passion4purple

Valentine's on the Mind...

2012-02-14T10:16:00.000-05:00

This project started with a grand idea while laying on the couch nursing a sore neck. Some of my most brilliant work begins this way! I wanted to have a fun project ready for the girls when they got home from school and this proved to fit the bill.

Paper bags and ....SNACKS!

I gathered some paper bags and cut them to lay flat on my table. I had so much fun reminiscing about covering my text books in junior high and high school with these paper bags. I did, however, notice that Trader Joe's bags are much more artsy than the bags we used to get from Mister Market!

Paper bags were NEVER this beautiful in the 80's!

I then decided that I needed a tablecloth. I unearthed the sheet I had used as a tablecloth last Thanksgiving. It brought back lots of fantastic memories as I read the things our guests had been thankful for that day.

The girls came home and got right to work. They were so excited to have free range with their paint colors and to be using sponges

The end results were beautiful! I tried my hand at sewing them on my machine, but got a bit frustrated with how they were coming out.
So the next day, I went into the studio and took it up a notch and created this lovely string of hearts...Jolee had a day off from school, so she painted, I cut and sewed and she stuffed. Fun, fun FUN!

Art Journaling...Fear

2011-07-04T10:05:00.001-04:00

I took an on-line parenting course a couple of years ago led by Heather Forbes. Her basic tenet is that there are only two underlying emotions: Fear and Love.

It took me a long time to wrap my brain around this concept...what about sadness and anger and happiness and all of the other emotions that I have? Well, what I discovered is that she's right...all of my "yucky" feelings are based in fear. All of my "good" feelings are based in love.

"This principle may be very difficult to grasp initially because we live in a fear-based society and anger is generally our immediate reaction to a threatening event. Seldon do we actually experience ourselves as being afraid. This emotion of fear, however, is the root of our anger. We avoid it because it feels safer to be in a place of anger (a protective feeling), while we feel exposed and vulnerable to be in a place of fear." states Heather Forbes in her book Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control.

Sharon Soneff has a bit on Fear in her book Art Journals & Creative Healing, "Phobias can be paralyzing, but even common fears can become obstacles to growth and achievement. Facing, on paper, that which we fear and dread is a wonderful stride toward facing those same things in our daily lives."

So what do we do with THAT? you might ask...

My challenge to you today is to open your journal and fill a page with fears. They can be irrational fears, real fears, silly fears...any fear that you might have. It's amazing what you find when you sit with fear for a few minutes. Take 15-20 minutes with this exercise and see where you get.

This is where I got:

For those of you who don't like to share your innermost thoughts and feelings for FEAR of someone else seeing them, fear not. We will be covering up this litany of fears in our next exercise....

Sweet Art...

2011-02-15T07:19:00.000-05:00

Corduroy pants repurposed into a fabric "locket"

with a personal message inside...

Coffee bag from Brazil, woven remnant from Guatemala...

Making class samples for Beattie Chicks usually benefits my home and family in more than one way. I get excited about making art (mommy's happiness directly impacts the happiness of the entire family) and my children and, sometimes, husband, receive lovely little works of art from me!

Since she was a baby, I have sung "You are my sunshine..." to Jolee. I have changed the words..of course, I always change lyrics to fit my needs...and she often says to me, "mommy, please sing the my sunshine song." This little fabric locket is hers to hold close to her heart and now, when she wants to "hear" the song, she will have it close by.

I'm hoping that one day Elvia can travel back to her native country and experience the beauty that is Guatemala. I fell in love with the culture there the minute I stepped off the plane. Sure, it's crazy busy, dirty and extremely poor, but the kindness behind the eyes spoke to my soul. The women in Guatemala share a deep connection to a culture rich in beauty and respect for mothering. I admire their strength so much.

In making this simple wall hanging for Elvia, I thought of those women who weave daily. The time it takes. The patience. The skill. I thought of Elvia's connection to those women and how I hope that, one day, she will grow to love and appreciate her native culture.

My next project is well underway...photos will come soon. I will say that it has everything to do with where I came from and how I come to be where I am...

I'll leave it at that for now.
Happy Tuesday to you. I challenge you to appreciate and love something about YOU and your culture today. What is it about your family history that excites and invigorates you? The smell of your mom's favorite cookies baking? The aroma of the woodstove in the cool mornings? Let me know what it is...

anniversaries...

2010-12-06T19:41:00.001-05:00

Two years ago...wow. Two years ago I was enjoying a weekend getaway with my dear friend, Denise and got the call that Caitlin had been in an accident. I remember thinking "oh, it's just another one of Caitlin's shananigans...she'll be fine..." and then finding out the specifics of the accident.

It's Caitlin's 20th birthday today. She called and is not really doing much for her birthday. "It always snows on my birthday," she said. I said, "I'm just glad you're home and safe this year rather than where you were two years ago."

It is amazing how far we've all come. I remember that time of my life as complete chaos...in my car, planning my next trip to Boston, trying to take care of everyone...everyone except myself. I remember Caitlin hanging on...within inches of her life for months...not knowing what life had in store for her...

And to look at us all now...so much has changed. So many good things have come, some not so good...but, the most important thing for me is that Caitlin is alive and is doing better than she may have every done if not for her horrific accident.

Me? I'm able to set much better boundaries for myself and my family. I am much more able to choose things for myself that are good for me and my family rather than what is good for others. It's very interesting how easy it is to care for others and not for yourself.

With Christmas approaching, I think back...think back two years ago when Christmas was just another day. Christmas will be just another day this year, but another wonderful day. Another day to celebrate life and all it has to offer, all that is has given. A day to be with people I care about and love deeply. Another day to be thankful that I'm alive.

Ode to KatieBell

2010-11-19T09:03:00.002-05:00

brown nose
shiney and wet
kisses cover my face
with the scent of
musty old girl

your undying love
for your humans
your gentle spirit
giving them permission
to say
goodbye.

May your spirit soar
to the doggy heaven above.
May you run
play ball
and
eat steak
every moment
of every day.

May you look down upon
your humans
and send them
love
and
comfort
each day
for the rest
of their lives.

we will miss our dear neighbor Katie Bell.

passing judgements...

2010-09-03T18:57:00.000-04:00

We all do it. More than we realize:
-did you see the guy with the cut off sweatshirt walking down Maine Street? What a dork!
-that kid must come from a bad family...did you see his clothes?
-that woman thinks she's "all that" with her skinny jeans and high heels
-that guy is a loser! he's homeless!
-your girls' birthmother's must be terrible people to lose custody of their children!

and it goes on and on, right?

The other day I was talking to a neighbor, asking him how his brother was doing. "Not good," he replied, "he's almost died three times in the past 3 months." His brother is a drug addict and alcoholic. He is also the father of a teenage daughter. He has custody. Her mother is worse off. We went on to talk about the circumstances surrounding the "near deaths." They were, not surprisingly, drug and alcohol related.

I then asked about his neice...how is she? Where is she? He didn't know. He did know that she was living with her boyfriend during the summer. He then went on to comment on what type of parents they must be to allow her to live with them....

I agreed for a moment.

And then the next moment hoped and prayed that we were wrong...that those parents were doing his neice a huge favor by giving her a safe place to live...away from the constant chaos and uncertainty that she faced in her home. I hope and pray that she is still there and far away from her father...

A few years ago my husband and I invited a young woman into our home because our home was the safest place for her. Her biological parents are emotionally abusive and no relatives could "put up" with her behavior.

She lived with us for about a year. We wanted to provide her a safe, loving home to live in while finishing her senior year of high school. At the time, we had just welcomed two of our daughters into our homes full time through adoption. Our home turned upside down very quickly.

The most troubling factor in this young woman living with us was her boyfriend. He was a drug user/seller and did not treat her well. I tried to coach her through some tough conversations and situations but, ultimately, she was in love with him and did what she could to stay with him.

She moved out. It wasn't a positive split. Donny and I vowed to love her no matter what...but we didn't see or talk to her for a long time.

She moved back home with her toxic mother, she moved into the boyfriend's parent's house...she finally found an apartment of her own...I learned this all through the grapevine...never talking to her directly.

It was the night of her birthday, a year later...we went to dinner and she was our waitress. We all fell in love all over again. I felt terrible that I forgot her birthday...I think she felt terrible that she hadn't talked to us in so long...

The ex-boyfriend was in jail, we were a bit happy...at least he wouldn't be influencing her any longer...she had a new boyfriend...everything was grand...

So we started our relationship all over again. We became extrememely close...closer than ever before, me calling her my "fraughter" (friend/daughter) and her confiding and entrusting me to her life stories. Our children were so happy to have her back in their lives. WE were so happy to have her back in our lives.

and then the ex-boyfriend got out of jail.

and then she saw him and told us about it....

and then I cried.

I cried, and cried and cried...by this time we had helped her get a good job. She still had her own apartment and was working hard to make her life her own...and now I knew that he would ruin it.

But then I thought about who she is to us. Who she is -period-. She is a strong young woman who has taken care of herself since she could walk. If she chose to be with this man, then it was my duty to HER and to my family to not pass judgment based on his past. It was MY job to accept him because I trust and love her.

Her birthday was coming up again...we invited the two of them to dinner. I was a nervous wreck. What if I still hated him? Why did I hate him? Because of what he did to her. My hate was not hate, it was...you guessed it...FEAR. I was afraid he would hurt her again.

What is my point??? I'm getting to it, I promise!

It is not my place to judge any other human being. I can have an opinion. But judge? That's not my job. This young man has gone through hell and back and he's working very hard to be the best person he can be. It is my job to support and love him. - period-.

Isn't that how we all function in life? With our family and friend supporting and encouraging us?

What if you had people judging you each day as a failure? A loser? A detriment to society? If you did, what incentive would that be to be a better person?

I believe that we all have the capacity to be good people. If we have the supports and encouragement around us, we can do anything.

I can't promise my fraugher that she won't get her heart broken again, and he can't promise that either. I can promise her, however, that will love her forever and ever...no matter what.

Who are you placing judgement on? What is your judgement based on? Fear?

Think about it...

Love and Fear...up close and personal?

2010-08-29T05:58:00.000-04:00

Custom artwork...words in hearts say "peace, hope, love"

A few weeks ago, Hannah and I were selling our art at the Cumberland Craft Fair here in Maine. We always meet interesting, thought provoking people and view it as part of our "profit."

Two women came to our booth and were so excited about our work. They radiated positivity and love. It was so uplifting! They were sisters, here on vacation. One of the sisters really liked a piece I had painted but wanted different words...so the other sister asked if I could paint one for her...of her sister, with the specific words "peace," "hope," and "love."

Initially I was afraid...afraid of failure...they wouldn't like it. It wouldn't be that good. The same negative messages kept reeling through my head...but then...
love prevailed
fear got dropped to the side
I painted the piece

I drove it down to them at their motel in Old Orchard Beach during an intense summer rainstorm late last week, just in time before they left for their homes. They were thrilled with the piece and also very thankful that I had driven it down in the rain.

I was not only thankful for the work, but thankful to have met these wonderful, caring souls.
love prevailed
fear got dropped to the side
I drove home with a smile on my face

Last week my family and I were stopping to enjoy the last bit of summer at Cote's, a local ice cream shop in Brunswick. We had brought along our dog, Gracy, who is an almost 13 year-old black lab. My 10 year-old daughter was holding Gracy on her leash. Gracy spotted something exciting up the street and turned to start barking. Immediately my daughter was accosted by an older woman who yelled, "Get that dog away from me! That dog almost made me fall!" I was so taken aback, as was my daughter and the rest of my family.

I took a breath...
love prevailed
fear got dropped to the side
I spoke to the woman:

"I'm very sorry ma'am. My daughter..."
"I don't CARE about your daughter. I CANNOT fall! I will break my hip! You get that DOG away from me!"
wow.
"Ma'am, I'm very sorry. Yes, you are afraid. The last thing we want is for you to fall. I will see to it that my dog does not come near you."

I could have yelled back.
But...
love prevailed
fear got dropped to the side

Why didn't I yell? Because the woman was reacting from fear. To yell would have been reacting to my OWN fear...and that would have solved nothing. I was able to set an example for my husband and children, to the woman and her friends, to the workers at Cote's...that you do NOT have to yell back. You can approach every situation with love...if you choose.

Have you had a situation where you were faced with fear and chose love instead? It may sound hokey...may sound "touchy feely"...and it is to a certain degree. But I encourage you to try it. Let me know how it goes...

Crazy Little Thing Called...life

2010-07-01T12:18:00.000-04:00

Life gets crazy, doesn't it? No matter how hard we try to stop it, life seems to take hold and have it's way with us. I'd like to say that I don't enjoy it, but it does keep me going...gives me a charge. I get so much more accomplished with I have a lot to do...

Which is the place I seem to find myself these days. Hannah and I just finished up our first, might I add VERY successful, week of Girl Time Art Camp. I am also preparing for a fair this weekend. This week I found myself juggling working all day, spending time with my children, making dinner AND making art. Oh, and did I mention that I have a husband that I try to spend time with? It has been a crazy week, but I've enjoyed each and every moment of it.

So crazy is good.

Bye, bye Blackie

2010-06-02T16:19:00.000-04:00

There are times when I wonder just how much of me is in my children. I see them on a daily basis and see so many differences between them. I, of course, don't self-see very well, so it's hard to tell if what I see in them is, indeed, me.

This afternoon I had the great fortune of seeing myself in Jolee.

I am such a lover of nature and animals and have always just assumed that my children would see that in me...if not emulate my passion. Meka has always been that way...she can't watch movies with animals for fear that they will be mistreated. She would rather go to the barn to be with horses than spend time with her friends. She insists that we cannot get another dog or cat until the ones we have die...it wouldn't be fair to them, she claims. She loves animals.

So back to Jolee...

Her favorite chicken, Blackie, died today. For some strange reason, the fox left her in the chicken pen. I went in to get her and put her outside of the pen so that the fox could come back in her own time and get Blackie. I guess I thought that, if not the fox, something would get her for it's afternoon snack before the kids came home from school. I was wrong.

I told Jolee and Meka what had happened and Jolee immediately wanted to see Blackie. We went out back and she picked Blackie up and put her on a bench to look her over. She touched her gently, stroked her feathers and said soothing words, "oh, Blackie. It's okay. I love you. I miss you, girl!" She then tried to open her eyes and beak...kind of gross, but so "Jolee" with her experiential existence.

We decided to bring Blackie to a place out in the woods for another animal to have. She carried that chicken around for quite sometime and even tried out a few places before she found the "perfect" place for Blackie. She picked some leaves off the ground to make a bed for her, added some behind her head for a pillow and then managed to find a bug to kill and put on her "for her to eat later." And she bent over and kissed Blackie goodbye.

It was beautiful.

If nothing more, I have taught my girls that we are all part of a whole. That we must be good and kind to every living thing...no matter how small.

Frivolous Friday...

2010-05-14T12:38:00.000-04:00

Why frivolous you ask? Because I have no assigned "tasks" at hand. I have been working steadily, but not really on any "must do" items. It's so refreshing!

I've baked muffins and blackberry squares for the school yard sale/bake sale tomorrow. I haven't baked in so long! It feels good and the house smells incredible!

I have a meeting for Meka at school today. We had a bunch of testing done to try to figure out what's going on for our little pumpkin pie. One pretty big thing that's happening for her is adoption stuff.

I am so thankful that I'm adopted so that I can talk to her and really understand how she feels. I do not feel threatened. I do not feel cast aside. I can FEEL what she's feeling because I have felt it, too.

She misses her birthmother, wants to see her. She wonders what she's like. Why she couldn't take care of Meka. What she's doing now. Whether she would like the person Meka is.

For any of you who know Meka, the last concern is a non-issue to the rest of the world...but to Meka, it's paramount.

I struggle with my answers to her. I know how she feels, yet want to protect her as well. I'm not sure what kind of person her birthmother has become. Will it benefit her to meet her? What will that do to her sense of self? So many questions with no answers...

So for now I just listen. I encourage her to write letters to her birthparents. I assure her that she is a wonderful person and that they would fall in love with her. I explain to her that they didn't have good parents and therefore, couldn't BE good parents...but that she has good parents and so she won't make the same mistakes when she's a mom. It's all so hard and painful.

Not sure of my point...just wanted to share with other adoptive moms...or moms in general...that it's okay to talk about the stuff that scares you. It makes it less scary and it validates your child's feelings. They are not trying to hurt you. They are trying to heal themselves.

A Little Bit of Art, and a Little Bit of Heart

2010-04-22T09:28:00.000-04:00

I was reading a blog about how to have a successful blog...it said to stick with the point...to only write about one subject on your blog...not to have too many things going on.

What's the fun in that? Plus, it would NOT be in line with the way my mind operates.

I'm pretty sure I have some silly form of ADHD...some days I get a lot done, others I get a lot of nothing done! I flit from one thing to the next, not really doing much of any one thing. Oh, I get a lot STARTED, but not a lot DONE on those days.

On good days, however, I can tackle the world. But it's not just one world...it's many! Like a superhero!

YES! That's what I'll be! I'll be a superhero!

So, today's post will be a little of the other...the ADHD Leslie...

I had an incredible time teaching up at Kieve last weekend. Hannah and I lead our first ever Art Retreat and it was VERY successful! The "leading up to" time was incredibly stressful: will they like it??? but the "during" part was very satisfying, both for Hannah and I and for the participants. I'm in the process of making a slideshow of the weekend so you can see some of the work that came out of our adventure.

It's amazing to me that 11 women that don't really know one another very well can come together and explore art and life together. We sat down for that first meal not really knowing much about one another and, by breakfast on Sunday, we had learned scads about each others lives, interests, joys, fears...you name it. Women are incredible creatures. That's a fact.

One the home front, I'm feeling very detached from my family and life at home. I have been gone SO much over the past week...no laundry, no cooking to speak of, just crashing when I get home at night. Jolee has waited until she KNEW I'd be home to get sick. Poor little thing is down for the count with an ear infection.

Meka has spent most of the week working at the barn. I think she's found her "happy place" which makes ME very happy for her. She loves being around animals...and horses really fill her up.

Elvia is just happy to have some down time with me. I think the hustle and bustle of the week has done her in. She's drawing quietly in the other room, checking in periodically to make sure I'm still here.

Yes, love, I'm still here .

and this is my most recent project. It's a house made from a cereal box. We're actually teaching this class next Wednesday. I had so much fun putting in snippets about each of my family members in each window and decorating "Casa de Beattie!"

Enjoy your day. Get outside, breathe...

finally...some art that fills MY heart!

2010-03-22T20:28:00.001-04:00

I finally got my act together and spent the day making art that fed my soul. I had a wonderful morning watching my girls together...helping each other, encouraging each other...being friends. It filled my heart with such joy. I spent the day celebrating their friendship in my art. I enjoyed myself so much.

It's amazing how much time I spend planning for my business these days and how little time I spend creating art. It feeds my soul, yet I tend to put it aside because I have other stuff to get done. Silly.

Technically I'm done posting about my adventures in parenting...as far as the Beyond Consequences class is concerned, but I have this last post...well, it might not be the last, but it certainly pertains directly to the class material.

Last week Meka asked us if she could go to a friend's house and we said, "no." She pitched a fit and stormed inside. The next I heard from her, she exclaimed that she was going for a bike ride. I looked up and saw a note taped to the window so that I could see it from where I was working outside in the yard.

"Mommy and Daddy, I know you hate me and that you wish you'd never adopted me. I have gone for a bike ride."

OUCH! NOT TRUE!!!

But I did have a few moments to think about my response. She had not gone for a bike ride but was up in a tree in our yard. I calmly went over to her and said, "Honey, I saw your note. Wow...those are some pretty big feelings. You said in your note that you feel like daddy and I hate you. Is that true? Do you think we hate you?"

She started talking...talking about how we "show off" in front of her friends and that she really wanted to go over to her friends house...she talked and talked and talked. I was finally able to say to her, "honey, I know this is probably hard to hear, but I love you and am very thankful that I adopted you. I feel so blessed that the Universe has put you and I together. I was just telling a friend today how much I love and adore you. I know you probably can't believe that right now, and that's okay."

More was said...that's the cliff note version...but this stuff WORKS!!! I am trying so hard not to react!

Today Elvia was snuggling with me and Jolee came in to snuggle on my other side. Elvia was SO mad! Later on the way to school she said, "Sometimes people don't like me and you don't like me."

Instead of my OLD response of "oh, yes I do honey...you're wrong..." I calmly said, "Oh, Elvia, you feel like no one likes you. That must feel pretty yucky inside." Again, she talked and talked and talked and eventually, not long at all, started talking about playing at school.

Phew! I still have a long road, but it seems less bumpy lately!

g'night!

Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control...catching UP!

2010-03-09T09:31:00.002-05:00

I have been remiss at writing and doing my homework for the Beyond Consequences class. I have been wracking my brain trying to figure out what’s behind my lack of motivation…well, not really. I KNOW what’s going on…just don’t really want to admit it.

We have spent the last few weeks talking about our own exposure to trauma and how that affects how we respond and react in our daily lives. When children are added into the equation, things just get intensified.

Without going into too much gory detail, I will tell you that I have experienced a great deal of trauma in my life. The obvious ones were my initial separation from my birthmother, my parent’s divorce, choosing to leave my mother’s home at age 14, my struggle with bulimia, the dissolution of my in-law’s marriage and, last but certainly not least, my struggles with infertility.

I have been in therapy…oh, dear, have I ever! I have seen so many in my lifetime. I have grown and learned so much with each experience, but have never fully dealt with the trauma in my past. I had always assumed that since I knew it existed and was able to label it, put it in a box and stick it on a shelf that it was not affecting me.

After listening to the webinars on past trauma and how it comes out in our parenting, I suddenly realized that all of those boxes have holes in them…the trauma leaks out of the holes and comes into my being when I get agitated or stressed.

Most people have a pretty high threshold for stress and chaos. Children are great barometers for our stress. Those parents with a high threshold don’t get agitated very easily. The are the ones that keep calm and regulated while their children throw tantrums or cut their hair or smear excrement on the walls. Those of us with trauma in our past aren’t quite that lucky. Our fuses are very short. It does not take much to explode into fits of anger and rage.

I was happy and also quite sad to get this new information. I was happy that I finally had an answer to why I got so deregulated so quickly while my friends always seemed to remain calm and regulated with their children.

I was sad to realize that I still have so much work to do to. It takes so much effort for me to stop in my tracks and breathe…to realize that they are NOT pushing my “buttons,” that they are being children. They are looking to ME for regulation. If I’m deregulated, how in the world are they going to be able to shift from their state of disregulation into a state of calm?

So what have I done differently in the past few weeks?

I have learned to breathe. I have learned to take a moment BEFORE I explode. BEFORE I react. If Elvia is about to go into a tailspin about Jolee sitting too close, I do NOT send her to her room. Instead I approach her, get down to her level and talk to her about how she is feeling.

“Wow, you are feeling so deregulated this morning! You are feeling afraid that Jolee is going to get my attention this morning, aren’t you? I bet you want mommy all to yourself, don’t you? Well, I’m here right now and I love you and I’m never leaving you.”

And we hug and it’s done.

In the past I have yelled and screamed, accused and fought to the bitter end and NO one felt regulated in the end.

Here’s another example of the kinds of changes I’m making with my children:

We have been talking about giving our children allowances. We have discussed it a little bit with the girls, mostly with Meka. We had explained that she would be responsible for doing some extra chores around the house in order to get money each week. The money would be hers to spend on things that she wants…after discussion with us and approval from us.

Yesterday she got off the bus and explained to me that a friend of hers wanted to play. I immediately got annoyed…I don’t like surprises and do not appreciate my children dictating our afternoon schedule. I immediately thought about ME and not about HER and what SHE was feeling.

“You have chores to do at home.”

“I don’t want money. I’m NOT doing chores.”

“Well, you can forget about having a playdate! In fact, you might be spending the afternoon by yourself in your room!”

Disregulated. Gross. Yuck.

But I could FIX it! I could approach her again after I had calmed down and had a chance to breathe.

I found her in the house…didn’t yell to her, but found her and approached her with a calm voice, “Meka, I’m hearing that you do not want to do extra chores. Is that right?”

She was able to articulate how she was feeling. She told me that she doesn’t mind taking care of the animals and picking up her room and helping with laundry. She doesn’t like taking the laundry off the line because the clothespins fly all over the place. She doesn’t like emptying the dishwasher because it takes a long time and she can’t reach everything.

We were able to come to a compromise. I told her that I heard her. That I understood the chores that she didn’t want to do and that I was willing to do those things myself. I told her that I appreciated her telling me how she was feeling about the chores.

Big sigh. We did it. I did it.

And so this is my work. To stop and take a minute BEFORE I react. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. I always have the opportunity to have a “do-over.” I’m teaching my children that it’s okay to make mistakes, as long as we are humble enough to make it right.

Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control...Week 3

2010-02-03T10:27:00.002-05:00

This week is hard. I have been putting off doing my homework all week. Why is it hard? Because this week we had to look at ourselves and our own fears.

Yikes.

The role play this week was a woman who was frustrated with her child and her husband helped her realize that she was just afraid because of things that had happened to her in her own past. That rang a bell for me! I realize that I spend SO much time thinking…thinking about what my girls are thinking, what effect my words will have on them for their eternities, what I’m doing and saying that is WRONG.

Do I ever stop and think about what I do that is RIGHT?

And why don’t I? Why can’t I toot my own horn every once in a while and say, “damn, I’m good!”

What would that do to my psyche? How would that unravel the hurts from my past?

In my childhood I was alone a lot. My mother worked full time trying to make ends meet. I took care of myself a lot. I ached for attention from anywhere that I could get it. My father would pick me up twice a week and I would visit with him. I worked VERY hard to get my father’s love and affection. The way I got it was to be perfect. To be good at everything I tried…and not try anything that I wasn’t perfect at.

Whoa! Brakes ON!!!

Who, among you, have looked at yourself as a mother and said, “I just knew I was going to be perfect at this, and I AM!”???? I DID think I was going to be perfect at being a mother. The problem is, no mother is ever perfect. No BODY is ever perfect. For me, this lack of perfection eats at me day and night.

If I’m not perfect at it, I cannot do it.

So, I don’t cut myself slack. I don’t cut my CHILDREN slack! You MUST get along with your sister. You MUST do your homework willingly and correctly each night. You MUST be respectful of your elders…on and on and on…

And the reality is, I have raised pretty wonderful girls so far.

So what is my work? To do things that I’m not perfect at? To let that fear of failing go? To realize that my children are who THEY are and are not ever going to be what I WANT them to be? What do I want them to be? Strong, sensitive, happy, emotionally healthy…all good things. Do I care if they are on honor roll each semester? It would be nice, but NOT at the expense of the other qualities I wish for them.

This is what I must hold onto. To let my girls evolve into who THEY are. To help them, hold them and nurture them and watch their lives unfold. To stop my own fear of not being good enough and to embrace them for the perfect little beings that they are.

Little Asian Angels...

2010-02-01T12:00:00.003-05:00

I just love making these little angel dolls. I find myself giggling as I put their hair on and dress them up. Silly, right? But...it brings me joy.

And speaking of bringing me joy...Jolee was quite busy on her art project yesterday. "Mamma, this is Trey and Evan!" She was, uh-em, very perturbed when I asked her to look at me while I took her picture...

More Asian Art!

2010-01-29T10:11:00.001-05:00

Here are two more of my little Asian cuties! Enjoy!

Asian Art Extravaganza!

2010-01-27T16:23:00.003-05:00

Hannah and I are participating in the Chinese New Year fair in Portland on February 6th. I have been making everything Asian these days! I thought I'd share my process with you...start to finish. The beginning photos are of a mirror...which is NOT done yet, but the process for the ending collage is the same.

Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control...Week 2

2010-01-26T22:28:00.001-05:00

This week was a lot harder. It’s one thing to be the best parent you can be on a daily basis. Compound it by weeks and it’s another story! I have found that I am dysregulated a lot more than I thought. Who and what causes this dysregulation? Me and my ego!

I manage to work myself into a state of frenzy WAY too much. One of the girls says some snide remark…instead of ignoring it, I take it on as a new battle. Can you imagine that I have fought (and lost) multiple battles by 9am every day for years? No wonder I’m tired and my kids are stressed out!

With this new-found self-knowledge, I have been really trying to stop and re-frame my thoughts:
What is driving their behavior?
Do I respond or do I ignore it?
Is this worth the battle?
What is she really needing and wanting right now?
Am I regulated?
Can I give her what she needs?

The last one is tricky. If I cannot regulate myself, I cannot give her what she needs. So how do I regulate myself? I haven’t figure this one out yet.

During the class this past week there was a very powerful roll play about breakfast. There were two scenarios given, one where the mom used the “tried and true” methods of parenting and the second scenario which used the Beyond Consequences Model.

I was nearly moved to tears!

Here is how I incorporated it into my own parenting and into my family:

Meka was practicing her recorder and wasn’t sounding quite as good as she would have liked. She was getting very frustrated and started talking about how much she hated it and how stupid it is and how she’s not going to play it anymore.

I started out with her using the “tried and true” model. I told her she wasn’t practicing very much and in order to be good at something you had to practice. I also told her that she couldn’t give up on things when they got hard. “What would happen if I gave up being a mom every time it got hard?”

This went on for a minute or so when I noticed that she was completely checking out. She started to walk away and all of a sudden the light bulb went on!

“Wait honey, I see that you’re really frustrated about your recorder. Can we talk about it a bit? I’m hearing that you’re very frustrated and wish that you didn’t have to play the recorder. Is that how you’re feeling?”

Well, the floodgates opened and she DUMPED all over the place. Come to find out, she IS feeling very self-conscious because she’s not as good as the other children in her class. She feels that her teacher’s expectations are much higher than they should be, after all, the other kids played recorder last year and this is her first year playing.

I was able to LISTEN to Meka. I didn’t tell her what to do. I didn’t get angry or defensive when she talked about not wanting to play or practice. I just listened and really tried to get how she was feeling.

You know what? It worked. No fighting. No alienation. Just she and I communicating in a loving, respectful manner.

And, better yet, she DID practice her recorder last night and ended up getting a “belt” in music class today…something she’s been working at for weeks.

Thank you, Heather Forbes!

Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control...Week 1

2010-01-19T09:27:00.000-05:00

My previous post was all about the way my children came to be my children. This is more of what I’m supposed to be doing for the class…giving feedback on the class and my views of the content.

This week’s class was all about stress, regulation and dysregulation. We talked about what stress does to our children and, more importantly, what it does to us as parents. When we’re stressed, our kids are stressed.

Remember my little (hee! Hee!) essay on how I came to be a mother? Do you think there was much stress in there? Oh yes!

From the very beginning, parenting has been all about stress for me. Can’t have a baby=stress. Get a 6 month old baby=stress. Adoption goes awry=stress. The list goes on and on.

I have read all of the parenting books. I have tried 1-2-3 Magic. I have tried time-outs. I have tried time-ins. I feel like I have tried it all.

And at the end of the day, sometimes I feel like a great big failure.

But, when I meet my kids where THEY are instead of at where I am, then it’s a different story.

When I am filled with love and compassion, I am able to get down to their level and listen to them. I am able to put myself in their shoes for a moment and help them breathe. I become a better mother because I have made space for my children in my conscious life.

One of the things my children do is vie for my attention and love. My middle child often gets most of the attention. She attracts it. I also have the greatest amount of personal trauma with her so I am overly protective of her emotional needs. What ends up happening is that Meka and Elvia come at me…trying anything they can to get my love and attention. It usually looks something like this:
1. Sidle up me to see if she can get in my lap, too
Denied
2. Dance in front of me to get me to notice her and praise her
Failed
3. Say things like, “I can do it too!” or “I’m a good girl too!” to gain my praise
She gets my frustration
4. Sneak off and do something forbidden as a means of “getting back” at me for not giving her that original space on my lap
Success at getting my attention. Negative attention, but attention nonetheless.

And so the dance begins. The dance of attachment disorder. Is it major? No. Do my kids have severe behavior issues? Not yet. Will they? Yes, if our dance continues like this my children will most definitely have severe behavior issues.

I am taking this online class so that I can deal with those issues now. The behavior issues of a 4, 6 and 10 year old are MUCH more “doable” than those of a 12, 14 and 18 year old.

So, tomorrow I will approach my children from a state of calm. I will breathe before I respond. I will kneel down before I speak. I will look at them and realize that they are children. Pure and simple. That they are doing the best they can and that I owe them the best that I can give them as well.

Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control...the first in a series of essays on parenting with love

2010-01-17T15:34:00.001-05:00

My posts over the next ten weeks will contain information about an online parenting class I am taking. The class is produced by the Beyond Consequences Institute which was started by Heather Forbes LCSW, a mother and therapist. The Beyond Consequences Institute provides education and support for families with children with severe acting out behaviors. Their model is a love-based, rather than fear-based, model.

I was introduced to Beyond Consequences by a fellow adoptive parent. She and I have children with particular attachment issues and no “main stream” parenting ideology “works” with our children. Someone had recommended the book “Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control” to her, she recommended it to me and here I am, taking the online course!

For years I have struggled with parenting. I had the dream, like many women do, of getting married, getting a good-paying job and having 2 children, a boy and girl and living happily ever after…

Then came fertility issues.
Then came multiple miscarriages.
Then came adoption.

Being adopted myself, I was really looking forward to the biological connection I would have with my biological children. I had never quite “fit in” in my adoptive family. I loved them and cherished them, but always felt very different. Once I met my biological mother in 1996 at the age of 27, I finally felt whole. The missing puzzle pieces had been found. I knew where I came from. Where I got my laugh, where I got my innermost feelings, how I came to express myself the way I do…

The last thing I wanted was to raise a child to grow up feeling the way I did as a child: alone and different. Adoption was something I was NOT interested in. It was too close. Too hard.

But NOT having children was even harder and so, with a lot of soul searching and encouragement from family and friends, my husband and I chose to adopt.

Now became the question of where and how to adopt. Things had changed drastically since I came into the world. One thing I knew for sure (or thought I knew for sure): I would NOT adopt a child that had ANY chance of meeting his or her biological parents! I saw the pain my own mother had gone through when I met my birthmother. I knew that I could not face that pain.

As fate would have it, our first child was born just 45 miles north of our home. Not only would she meet her birthmother, I would have to bring her for visitations with her for the first year and a half of our life together. My husband and I had come full circle…no international adoption for us…there were children right here in our home state that needed loving families. We would become foster parents and adopt through the foster care system.

And that’s how Meka came into our lives. She came home at 6 months of age. She had been in a previous foster home for the 1st 6 months of her life. She had received good care, but not a lot of nurturing, holding and comfort. She was happy, healthy and a good sleeper…in anyone else’s eyes, a perfect baby.

What we didn’t realize at the time was that Meka was experiencing attachment trauma.

Our second daughter, Jolee, was a traumatic experience from the second we met her. She came to us at birth from the hospital. We were told that her adoption was “a sure thing.” That her birthmother had lost custody of 4 other children and that she would be staying with us. Well, 10 days later, a judge didn’t agree. He ordered intensive reunification to being immediately. For the next year and a half we spent most of our time transporting Jolee to visitations with her birthmother and her birthfather. We knew that all of the visits would eventually lead to her leaving us to live with her birthmother.

During all of this, I was working for what was best for Jolee. I developed a close, trusting relationship with her birthmother (yes, this is the same woman who NEVER wanted anything to do with my children’s birthparents!). I knew that Jolee would be much better off if she had a large community helping raise. I wanted to offer her birthmother the support she needed in order to be a good mother to Jolee.

In June of 2005, just three months after her 1st birthday, Jolee left our home to live with her birthmother.

I had set up a visitation schedule which allowed us to have Jolee at our home every-other weekend. I also would take Jolee if her birthmother was not feeling well or if we had a special family outing.

It was the hardest time of my life. I have never shed so many tears. I have never questioned my own existence more. I was living in hell.

During all of this, I still had a little girl who needed a mother. Meka was just 4 when Jolee came home. Parenting her took a backseat. Poor little Meka was experiencing her own trauma for the second time.

When we realized that Jolee would not be with us forever, we decided to look into another adoption. My husband and I knew that the foster care system was NOT an option. An international adoption was what we wanted to do. We decided on Guatemala, a country whose culture we were drawn to and whose proximity made it more possible for future travel.

And, get this, our daughter would have more of a chance of finding her birthmother one day.

Can you believe the shift in my thinking? I think this is called “growth.”

Elvia’s adoption was less than easy. She was our third referral. Our paperwork was delayed and, what should have been a relatively short, easy process turned into a year and a half of waiting (I apologize to any of you readers who have been waiting for 2-3 years. I do not mean to sound crass). We traveled to Guatemala in February and then again in April of 2005. I was making plans to go down and stay if she hadn’t come home by May. I came to see that the reality of our situation was that I could not go. I couldn’t leave Jolee…what if she needed me? I couldn’t bring my blond haired, blue eyed little girl to Guatemala and feel safe. I would stay home.

In late June I was stripping vinyl flooring out of our kitchen. I was doing everything I could to keep my mind off of Jolee and Elvia.

The phone rang. I was our DHS worker asking if I could come pick up Jolee. That there had been a situation and Jolee would be returning to us indefinitely.

Shock. Joy. Panic. Disbelief. Relief. My baby was coming home!

Long story short (yes…this next part could fill another novelette):
Jolee came back home at the end of June
Our dear teenage friend moved in with us in the beginning of August. She was homeless and needed a safe home to live in during her senior year of high school.
Elvia came home at the end of August.

Have we experienced trauma? Oh yes.
Do our children have attachment issues? Oh yes.
Am I thankful to be taking this online class? Oh yes.

Jewelry Making with Dominos!

2010-01-11T22:40:00.002-05:00

Beattie Chicks will be teaching this class on jewelry making with dominos this Wednesday, January 13th at the Border Trust Building in Topsham. For only $20, we will teach you how to transform a domino tile into an amazing piece of artwork. We will then show you how easy it is to turn it into a necklace, pin or magnet. Basic clasp work will be taught. Please email me if you're interested in attending. Follow Your Heart pendant using Tim Holtz Alcohol Inks, collage, Inkessentials Glossy Accents and ephemera.

Faith pendant using Tim Holtz Alcohol Inks, word charm, various ephemera

Create pendant using Tim Holtz Alcohol Inks, Art Girlz charm, metal word charm.

Hump Day Musings...

2010-01-06T12:40:00.002-05:00

Does anyone still call it hump day? How about Prince Spaghetti day?

It's just Wednesday.

I have started my day quite well...got up early, (which I have been doing all week...kind of a New Year's Resolution), made pumpkin pancakes for the girls, got everyone off to school on time and then went for a nice, long walk with Gracy. I listened to my book on ipod (can't really call them books on tape anymore, can we?) which was GREAT! (No tempo to try to stay with and was so into my "book" that I didn't notice the time.) Got home and stretched A LOT! My hips are just killing me these days...damn periformis (sp?) muscles!

And then came the frustrating part of my day so far...computer work! I love being creative and having my Beattie Chicks business. I do NOT like tax time. I get so stressed out! And to think I considered becoming an accountant long ago...

And then I tracked my Weight Watchers points so far today. Yes, I have caved and am doing weight watchers. Once I hit 30, it just became harder and harder to lose the lbs...now I'm at an all time high and, emotionally, at an all time LOW about my weight. Time to deal with it. Hence the Weight Watchers and walking. Anywho...the points SUCK! I just about reached my maximum for the day and it's only noon!!! arghghg!!!!!

Oh well...the day will move along. The silence is wonderful...just Gracy, Jerry, the chickens and me. I love solitude!

Happy New Year

2010-01-02T15:20:00.002-05:00

I hesitate to post anything without posting a photograph...but if I do that, I'll never post again! I have this new computer and all of my "stuff" hasn't been transferred over yet. It's driving me a little batty. I have not received the appropriate amount of patience in my life yet.

We had the most wonderful holiday "season" this year. I'm certain that the planets were aligned just perfectly. Christmas was a relaxing, not-so-stressful day for us all. Not usually the case for me. Holidays, in general, bring up so much stuff for me and it's hard to just "be" when the day arrives.

But this year was different. Mom was here and she was in good spirits. The kids were happy, excited, enthralled with their gifts...and seemed grateful. Phew! We're doing something right!

New Year's Eve was a great time as well. We gathered with a diverse group of people and had a wonderful time. There were a lot of young children here and everyone got along splendidly. Good food, good friends and a very good time. Donny and I managed to clean up the house before midnight and, more surprisingly, actually welcomed in the New Year together! This was the first in a LONG time!

Meka's 10th birthday was yesterday. We had a snowstorm so not all of the family came, but the ones who did make it made it a great celebration. We have a tradition of going bowling together. Mike and Lindsey came and made it even more special. They are truly part of our family and we love them dearly.

Back to reality on Monday. I'm hoping that school is NOT cancelled...it's time for a little distance between me and the kids...we've been together pretty much non-stop for two full weeks! I love them, but need a little bit of a break!

And...back to art. I have not done any art, nothing creative for weeks....I'm looking forward to getting back into Beattie Chicks and starting off a great new year with great women.

Felting Class Next Week

2009-12-08T19:53:00.004-05:00

A few of you have asked about the needle felting class that we are teaching in Topsham next week. I wanted to post a photo of one of the projects that we will be learning. Please let me know if you have any other questions.

If you'd like to register, the cost is $20 and you can email me directly to sign up: leslie@beattiechicks.com

I look forward to making angels with you all!

2009-12-05T19:27:00.002-05:00

A lazy night in bed with my girls...
I have so much to say, so little energy to say it...
Hannah and I managed to supply THREE fairs with product this weekend. We are both PAST tired! I cannot believe how much we have done in such a little amount of time. I'm a little burned out, but happy to be done! Our last fair of the season is Friday at Bowdoin College.

Depending on how much we have left, Hannah and I might have an open house. We'll see.

The other issue I'm having is that my computer card reader seems to be malfunctioning. I tell you, I have the worst luck with technology!!! It drives me BATTY! I'm trying to upload photos and my computer can't read my card. Angry. It makes me angry! When and IF I get it to work, I will share photos of my most recent work and schtuff!

Okay, the girls are on their last minutes of tolerance and Santa Claus is Coming to Town is almost over.

nighty night!

Art, Felt and FUN!

2009-11-09T12:55:00.004-05:00

Photos from the FIRST Beattie Chicks Class!!!

Julie and I discussing the tree construction...

All of the chicks...hard at work on their mirrors!

Hannah offering her expert advice to Alicia.

I have been suffering from my crafters adhd like crazy! My studio is a complete disaster...painting projects here, sewing projects there and glue, beads and jewelry everywhere! But I love it. I do not love the disarray, but love the creative process.

Now, where did I put that project I started last week? hmmmm...

I have neglected to update my blog because I have been working so darned hard on Beattie Chicks stuff! I have been having so much fun, but have been spending a lot of time an energy sending emails and making projects. It was so nice to get positive feedback after our first class. A big "phew!" could be heard for miles!

And the craft fairs...yikes. With my crafters adhd comes my lack of focus on one particular project. I'm trying so hard to finish things that I start but then get excited about trying a new technique or an entire new craft...and I get a little crazy!

But, Meka and I are getting out of town for the rest of the week starting tomorrow! We are spending time with our neighbors that moved to Florida at the beginning of the summer. Meka misses Grace and I miss Mary like crazy and we are SO looking forward to spending girl time together! Mary's husband and sons will be gone so it will really be girl time!!!

On a personal note, I have been enjoying my life so much these days. The weather outside is so nice. I love going outside and enjoying the sunshine and having the chickens all run to me. I know in my head that they only want food, but my heart reminds me that they DO love me! The kids have all been so great...I've been enjoying watching them grow and change. School is going so well for all of them. It's such a blessing to know that they are all happy while they are away at school. Donny has been so kind to me lately...supporting and encouraging the many balls that I have up in the air. He has made it possible for Meka and I to travel to Florida with no guilt and no stress. It is truly a gift he has given me.

I'm working on the guilt. It's such a big part of my existence. I'm starting to realize that I make a lot of it up...that I project guilt in every aspect of my life. Silly. So I'm trying to toss it aside and let it know that there is no space in my life for it.

The most exciting thing I've done lately is go dancing! I was invited to hang out with Hannah's Mountain Road Mamas the other night. We went to Knight's of Columbus and saw Motor Booty Affair. I just love dancing. I danced my booty off all night long. I came to the wonderful realization that, now that I'm, um, more mature, I dance to dance. I don't care if anyone is watching. I don't care what I look like or what people are saying about me. I am having fun and that's all that matters.

I hope your day is filled with sunshine, both inside of you and outside of you.

The News is Out!

2009-10-18T20:26:00.004-04:00

It's time! Hannah and I have started the Beattie Chicks Art Classes! Please click on the "download" tab to download it to your computer. You can also print it from the "print" tab. We'd LOVE feedback! If you'd like to be on our email list, let me know.

Newsletter Winter 09

Taking a Breath...

2009-10-02T19:27:00.002-04:00

I have so many thoughts...too many to get down on this electronic "paper" right now...but wanted to share a great experience I had yesterday...

I was driving home from Portland with Elvia in the car. I was in the passing lane, not dilly-dallying, but actually passing someone. This young, blond woman in an older model dark green Volkswagon Jetta came zooming up from out of nowhere and passed me on the right and then cut me off to get into the passing lane. I had to slam on my brakes to avoid her side-swiping me.

My initial reaction was anger. I went immediately to "road rage" and wanted to block her off so that she would be stuck going slow. "I'll show her!" I thought.

But then I took a breath.

Why was she going so fast? Was her mother in the hospital? Her child? Her best friend? Maybe she was late for a job interview and she desperately needs a job because she has a child at home to feed and rent to pay. Maybe her boyfriend just broke up with her. Maybe she just caught her spouse cheating on her.

I was immediately filled with empathy for this woman. No longer did I feel the need to block her off and piss her off. I just wished her a safe journey and peace at the end of that journey.

How many times have you reacted in anger? Is there some way you can stop yourself? Think of you in that situation. Change it up. Can you fill it with love instead of anger?

My husband was gone for the week. I missed him a lot. I used to only miss his help with the kids. This time I actually just missed HIM! I think we're finally at the point that we can start being a couple again instead of just being parents. It's a welcome shift in our relationship, that's for certain!

And...my sisters came to visit last night. I was disappointed that Caitlin didn't arrive at noon when she was supposed to, but understood. I enjoyed them a great deal. I was so impressed at how far Caitlin has come. It used to be a lot of work to have her here...I would be exhausted by the time she left from lifting her and carrying her. But now she does EVERYTHING by herself! I was able to concentrate on cooking for them, watching movies with them...enjoying them. I am so proud of her. I am moved to tears when I think about how far she's come. She's a spirited soul and I am thankful that she's my sister and thankful that she's alive.

Courtney and I talked a bit about her feelings about Caitlin always getting the attention. It's hard. I try to be mindful of it and not just offer Caitlin everything...but it's hard sometimes and I'm sure it's even harder for her...

and now I'm off to watch Harry Potter with Donny, Meka, Chloe and Jolee (Elvia did NOT nap today and is out for the count!)

Remember...change it up...anger to love

GREAT Artsy Weekend!

2009-09-28T19:57:00.002-04:00

Catherine, Hannah and I had an incredible weekend...together and with new friends. We learned a lot, laughed a lot and HELD our tongues a lot! The workshop with Claudine was amazing. She's a warm-hearted, humble woman with a sweet soul.

gee, haven't changed much, have I? Not paying attention in class...

Claudine, you rock, sistah!

and our new friend, Shoshanna...she was a found treasure of the weekend! We had such a great time getting to know her and becoming fast friends. I'll share sushi with you anytime, my love!

and my art...those of you who know me, know that I cannot "produce" when with other people. I managed to put some stuff together. I'm looking forward to see what happens to it now that it's "home!"

Makin' Art

2009-09-23T09:53:00.006-04:00

Here are some things I'm working on. I'm getting a bit frustrated with continuity...a lot of artists have a vein of "sameness" in their work. I feel like I'm all over the place. I just have a lot of things that appeal to me.

What do you think? Do you like all of the different "looks" I have or do you wish that I did more of one style of work? What style do you like best?

Look through my slide show...look at some of my older posts. Tell me what you think...tell me if there's one style over another that you prefer...

Here's an incentive to respond....

If I get more than 25 replies I will do a drawing of the responders and the lucky winner will get a lovely prize shipped to them!!!

Dontcha wanna win???
This owl purse needs straps but ain't she cute???

This is a mirror...I tried to photograph it so that there isn't a lot of "stuff" showing IN the mirror.

These photos are of a planter. I have yet to find a plant to put IN it though!

zippered peace pouch

This is a mirror that I had SO much fun with!

On a personal note...I have not had all of the time I imagined to be working on my art. Between doctors appointments and "life," I have been on the road!

I had a great time visiting with Gina in Massachusetts last weekend. Jolee and I made the trek down on Saturday, stopping at , of course, Ikea on the way. I truly wish that I had someone following me with a camera...I must have looked like a lunatic:

cart carrying 3 large, HEAVY boxes, large bag loaded with STUFF, 5 year old on my shoulders making my way through the aisles...it was rather comical.

But a quick trip this time! More like 2 hours rather than 7 1/2!

Jolee had a great time playing with Abby and Ava, Gina's 8 month old twins. Thank goodness Gina is a relaxed mother! Her girls got some good lovin'...that's for sure!

Enjoy your Wednesday. Remember...life is filled to the brim with blessings. We just have to breathe in, look around and SEE them.

Alone?

2009-09-14T10:55:00.006-04:00

Wow. I cannot believe it. I'm alone in my house! I have not been alone in my house (without paying dearly for it) in a very long time. No guilt. Not putting anyone out. Not paying for a babysitter. All of the girls are happy, safe...and I'm alone!

I'm supposed to be working. This is work, right? Updating my blog? That's important, right?

I have lots of photos to share...not much art, but photos of the fun things that have transpired since the last time I wrote!

Thank you all for the encouraging words about the show in Kennebunk. It was a HUGE success! Hannah and I had a blast! Even if our tent wasn't on the highest position and people had to duck to get in...no biggie...it was more "homey!"

Ikea was a BLAST! I cannot remember a time that I have had so much fun! I kept waiting for something bad to happen...everything was SO good that it had to turn bad, right? NOPE! It was all good! Donny didn't even yell at me for spending LOTS of money at Ikea! Made fun of me, yes, but yell? NO!

The silliest thing about our trip to Ikea was the trip home. Hannah's car seats 2 passengers in the front. As you can see from the photos, there was NO way any of us could fit in the back! I rode on the console (albeit illegally) all the way home! For those of you who are unfamiliar with just how far away Ikea is...it's in Stoughton, MA...about a 3 hour drive! My butt was a bit sore...

We celebrated Elvia's 4th birthday on Monday, Labor Day. She was SO excited about her party! Some of her favorite people came to celebrate. I made her a "pink" cake (she really didn't like the cake, just loved that it was pink!) and she got lots of make-up. Can you tell she likes eyeshadow?

Jolee gave her a cute little PINK cupcake purse...they shared a lovely hug for that one!

This past weekend Barry (my biological father) and his partner, Jutta, came for a visit. Barry is just so lovely with our girls. He does just about anything they want him to...including JUMPING on the trampoline! They love having them visit...this time Grampa let the girls play games on his iPhone, which was a huge hit!

Jutta gave us a breadmaking lesson...it must have been good because most of the bread is gone!!!

And last but certainly NOT least...Donny and I celebrated our 16 wedding anniversary on Friday. I know...9/11...day of terror...but for us, it was and is a day to celebrate. We have gone through SO much in 16 years...some really great...some REALLY hard...a lot of trying stuff...and we've made it thus far! These are the lovely flowers he brought home for me...

And now it's Monday. I'm going to get inspired...I know I will...just had to make sure to tell the world about my life...strange, huh?

working, working, working...

2009-09-03T21:22:00.002-04:00

I'm trying to get ready for a craft fair in Kennebunk this Saturday...I have managed to complete SOME projects!

This week has been a huge one, emotionally. Meka and Jolee started Public School on Monday. Huge. We have been sending them to a Waldorf school for 5 years...well, Meka anyway...and this transition has been so draining for us.

The amazing news is that we are all doing great. Meka and Jolee, especially. They are both happy. Meka has been having FUN at school...a new experience for her. I'm so relieved. So thankful that we went through the agonizing process of making this important decision. So happy that my girls are happy and safe and being well cared for.

The three things I love about public school:
1. the bus...no multiple trips to Freeport anymore! Walk to the bus stop in my jammies with my coffee...the bus ROCKS!
2. hot lunch...what to pack for lunch day after day after day is GONE!!! My kids are eating well balanced meals...veggies AND fruit each day! It's OKAY that it's not all organic...
3. peace of mind...there are such kind souls at Williams Cone School. I am so thankful...feel so blessed that my girls are being held so warmly...

Bar Harbor a SUCCESS!

2009-08-28T09:19:00.003-04:00

I had a wonderful time in Bar Harbor last weekend. Lori, Hannah and I were able, for the first time EVER, to spend uninterrupted time together! We all met some very kind people and sold a lot of our art!

Lori setting up

Our set-up

Hannah the needlefelting goddess!

Felted Pouches!

2009-08-13T14:15:00.003-04:00

Here they are...some of the cute stuff I'm working on...

And these are the oatmeal chocolate chip cookies that didn't have enough flour!!! Luckily the next batch was fine...Phew!

Today's Art...

2009-08-12T16:59:00.002-04:00

Inspiration struck and this is what hit me!

Sea Glass Jewelry

2009-08-10T16:27:00.006-04:00

I promised photos...so here's what I was up to today. Last night's project is still underway...I'll post those cuties later!
Tell me what you think!!

Inspired...and kicked in the butt...AGAIN!

2009-08-09T15:48:00.003-04:00

A NEW tool and an offer to participate in a art/craft show in Bar Harbor...and off I go! With my new Dremel I can now...finally...drill into sea glass and pottery!

Here is one of my newest creations! It is a copper spiral on a piece of Orr's Island pottery.
And this is what it looks like in my studio...and in the kitchen...and in the living room...when I work!!! This is the process of making some felt pouches...darn, they're gonna be CUTE!
And this is my "sea glass/jewelry" station! It's SUCH a mess, but I love it! This is when my true ADHD comes out and rears her lovely head!

Back to work! I'll post more photos when the projects are closer to done!

Somerset Studio!!!

2009-05-23T09:02:00.003-04:00

I have been published!!! Finally, I submitted artwork to Somerset Studio magazine and they published photos of my work! I am so elated!!!

And in non-art-related news...

My dad's house is just about ready. My brother needs to come install some lights and then I think we're set to go. I accomplished MOST of what I wanted to...with the help from some very devoted friends and family...and the house looks great.

Here are some recent pics of Caitlin during her going away party with her rehab staff.

I cannot believe she's coming home on Tuesday. It's been 6 months. So much has happened and will continue to happen. I'm concerned about so many things...but realize that worrying does not serve anyone, especially me! I just have to stay focused right here on my own little family and make sure that my girls are getting their needs met. It would be very easy for me to get very consumed with Caitlin and dad and loose site of what's going on RIGHT HERE in front of me.

And what's going on right in front of me is huge. School issues are weighing heavily on my soul. I'm sure that we will be making the right choice...but my heart aches...I love the Waldorf school...I wish I had just a small trust fund!

Breathing....

2009-05-14T19:13:00.002-04:00

I must remember to keep breathing! I am getting so uptight about so much lately...there's big stuff on my plate and I feel like my plate keeps getting smaller and smaller!

We received our tuition assistance letter today...we cannot afford to send the girls to Merriconeag any longer. I am so sad. We have loved the school, as have the girls. I wish I had a trust fund lurking somewhere! I know everything happens for a reason, but I'm having a hard time wrapping my head and heart around this one.

And then there's my sister coming home in less than two weeks. I'm trying so hard to get lots done now so that when she comes home I can just BE with her and enjoy spending time with her. I'm burning myself out going up to dad's and making sure everything is just perfect for when they come home. Meanwhile, things at my own house are much LESS than perfect!

One of our chickens was "offed" yesterday. It was one of my favorites, Josephine. I think it was the "neighborhood" fisher. I'm a lover of nature, but I really wish the fisher would leave my girls alone!!! I was afraid it had gotten Sophia today, she's Meka's favorite...but she's still alive. Thank goodness!

2009-04-13T10:12:00.002-04:00

all of us marveling at Caitlin after we watched her walk for the first time in 4 1/2 months!

Caitlin looking at dad after she had just taken her "first steps."

Needless to say, it was an emotion packed event for us all to watch Caitlin walk for the first time since her accident. Wow.

There's so much more to say, but I have two arguing children who need some "adult interaction!"

Happy Birthday to my MAN!

2009-04-04T09:34:00.003-04:00

It was Donny's birthday yesterday. He turned 30-11. He took the day off from work and spent a "Donny Day" just doing the things he wanted to do. We ended the day with our good friends, Shannon and Curt, enjoying a dinner together at Gauchos Churrascaria Brazilian Steakhouse in Portland. It was an interesting experience, but one we probably won't repeat. The attraction of the Brazilian steakhouse is that you eat meat...LOTS of meat. Those of you who know me know that I'm not very fond of LOTS of meat! It was quite fun, however, to turn our "meat card" to green and watch the meat flow to our table! Men carrying metal boards with a long skewer:
Today Meka and I are being stealthy and going out to get Donny more presents for his "official" party tomorrow. It's not really a "party", per se, it's more of a family gathering...his mother and father will be here for a special birthday dinner. Flank steak and cream puffs!!!

Meka and I blew some eggs this morning. I'll take photos and let you see how they turn out once they are decorated for the Easter Bunny!

2009-03-24T08:00:00.003-04:00

Carrie Holstrom and Caitlin sharing a smile bedside.

Ah...so good to smile with my sisters!

I have so much to say, but not much to say...it's hard to know who reads this, what I can say, what I can truly reveal...I certainly don't want to offend or hurt anyone's feelings...so I will edit my thoughts a bit...

Last week was hard...I just about hit rock bottom. I cried each night and was wallowing in self pity about my monotonous and dull existence. I TRIED to realize what a gift I have being able to stay home with my children, but the meals, laundry, cleaning...and doing it all over again the next day was getting to me. That and the 21-year-old-sister drama in my life was draining me beyond belief.

But something shifted and I'm doing MUCH better!

Going down to Boston on Saturday was a nice surprise for me. I anticipated a frustrating day filled with me struggling to keep my sanity, but that didn't happen. I thoroughly enjoyed my entire day with my sisters and with Mike and Carrie Holstrom. I just chose to NOT let anything get to me.

And now the sun is shining and warming up my little space in the world I am thankful for that! Now I just have to clean that window that the sun shines through so that I don't get disgusted each time I look at it!

Jolee turns 5 and Kerry turns 40!

2009-03-02T09:01:00.002-05:00

Jolee turned 5 years old yesterday. It seems like only yesterday when we got the phone call that she was coming. We have been through so much with her...our entire family has. And she's worth all of it. She's such a bundle of energy...never a dull moment with Jolee. And, as you can see, she LOVES being naked! I'd love to be able to post photos of her completely clothed, but it just doesn't happen very often!

And, my dear friend Kerry joined the rest of us "grapes" in turning the big "4-0" yesterday. We've all decided to call it "30-10" instead of 40. Sounds better, doesn't it? Her lovely husband, Patrick, threw her a surprise party at their home in Readfield. There was a warm fire (Pat's friend, Dave, felled and fell out of trees to make sure it kept roaring), yummy food (thank you Vicki!) and great conversation. The kids all had a blast (sorry to Caroline's Kit Kitteredge doll-Jolee gave her a haircut...I'll get you another one!) and all got along splendidly.

Oh, and this is the artwork that I made for Kerry! It is four round cardboard discs collaged with bits of paper, some fiber, button, flower and stamped letters. I got the idea from Shari Carroll's book called Layers. It's a lovely book filled with inspiration for gifts from the heart.

Here are some additional photos from Jolee's birthday celebration:

A special gathering with special cousins!
Grandy and his girls!

Collage Gifts for Gina...

2009-02-17T08:29:00.002-05:00

Finally! I was able to photograph art and actually post it! One of the problems was that my battery died in my camera...I mean, died...died...I had to order another one online and it hasn't arrived yet. I must say, I didn't realize how well my camera works until I had to use another one!

I had fun making the collages for Gina. She's one of my dearest friends and I wanted to make her girls something special. She seemed to like them!

I'm trying to clean up some of my unfinished projects. Now that I'm done with my taxes I have the mental space to fill with fun stuff. I still have to finish my resume...I'll get to that NEXT week!

These days I'm pondering turning 40...I'm sure there's a poem inside of me somewhere...I'll get to it. I'm just wallowing in self pity right now. I'm not sure how to explain it other than life is just not what I imagined it would be when I turned 40. I have a great life, don't get me wrong...it's just not what I imagined oh-so-long-ago...

I did manage to get a pep talk from my lovely bookclub friends last night. They are all so wise and loving. It's like having 5 mothers! I feel so blessed to have them in my life!

Today it's off to horseback riding and then trying to figure out what to do with the rest of our sunny winter day.

Wishing for Photos...

2009-01-21T11:00:00.002-05:00

I have been pretty good about updating the Caring Bridge website, my Facebook site and this blog, but I have been remiss at taking photos of my art and posting them. I have been working a bit in my studio and have a bunch of 1/2 or maybe 1/4 finished projects.

My dear friend, Gina, just had twins and I'm desperately trying to make something amazing for her new little girls. I'm at a loss. I've discovered that I almost NEVER like anything that I purposely MAKE for someone. I think the only thing that I've really liked was the collage I did for Ben and Beth's wedding.

I'm heading down to Boston tomorrow to see Caitlin but also going to drive down to see Gina. I can't see the babies...which bums me out to no end...but I understand. I can't imagine what she's experiencing...being home and not able to drive (c-section) while her new babies are at the hospital. Yuck.

So, my word of the week is ENVY. I received a great email from a good friend and it had 35 pieces of Advice for a Wonderful New Year. One that resonated within me was:

33. Envy is a waste of time.. You already have all you need.

Generally I don't envy people's "stuff" I envy their relationships. I never thought of myself as needy, but I guess that I am. I want to be everyone's favorite and I get very envious when I painfully discover that I'm not. How crazy is that??? So...I'm going to work on that. Whenever the feeling is creeping in to overtake my happy mood, I'm going to try to dismiss it and focus on something positive about my relationship with that person or focus on my relationship with another person. We'll see how it goes. I do not want to waste anymore energy getting ugly about something so trivial. I think it stems from my incredible lack of self-esteem...what can I do to make sure people like me...and like me the most??? Sounds self-involved, doesn't it? Sounds yucky. I'm gonna try to nip that one in the bud!

What the heck does that mean, anyway, nip in the bud?

Okay, all for now. I would go on and on about current issues with my mother...but we all have those, right?

drifting away...

2009-01-19T16:02:00.002-05:00

I guess that's what you call how I feel...that Dad and Caitlin are drifting away...away from needing me so much. I guess I thought that they would continue to need me through this whole thing...start to finish, but that seems to have changed.

I can only imagine how Courtney must feel.

I know that Dad is happy. And I, in no way, question that happiness. Maybe because I'm not there as much? But I cannot be and the reality is that I cannot be needed as much as I was. I am quite needed right here in my own home.

There's something so satisfying about being needed. And being needed by Dad was a biggy for me. To know that he relied on me for so much was such a great feeling to me. To know that he appreciated my questions, my strength, my commitment to the family...it felt and still feels good.

As far as Caitlin, I guess I just wanted to strengthen our relationship through this whole thing. I'm sure, again, if I were there more, it would be much easier to accomplish. I know that our relationship will evolve and be stronger...it's just hard to see right now.

I'm thinking about making this all into a book. I know I've said it before...about writing a book...but I feel like most of this one is already written in the Caring Bridge journal. We'll see.

And now back to life here at the Beattie house...

Getting rid of guilt...

2009-01-13T10:11:00.002-05:00

My goal this year is to learn how to take care of myself. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard, "you need to take care of yourself." What does that mean? It's funny how we give out that advice so freely to everyone else in our lives, but yet, we have no idea what it means for ourselves.

I'm starting by spending time by myself in Starbucks this morning. I dropped Jolee off at school, Meka and Elvia are home with Donny...Meka is home sick today...and I drove myself here, set up my computer and have been enjoying the peace and quiet of just being. I was able to do the Caring Bridge update with no interruptions. There's no laundry to do, no phone ringing, no child needing me, no vacuuming to do...completely guilt free.

Except for the guilt of actually taking the time to myself! But I'm trying to let that go. It's okay that I'm here, right? I feel badly leaving the kids at home with Donny...knowing that he's working and can't really "take care" of them. But, this is important for my emotional well being and the kids are probably fine.

My day in Boston yesterday was amazing. I felt such a strong connection with Caitlin. I haven't felt that in so long. I always wonder if she's being truthful with me, if she's just giving me lip service. She's upset me so much the past couple of times that I've seen her...acted like she doesn't care about me at all. So to see her yesterday and really BE with her was so wonderful. She looked so deeply into my eyes, I was able to say things to her that I've wanted to say for so long...things that I said while she was unconscious, but now she can hear. I loved holding her while the doctor talked to her about her injuries. I loved being there for her and for dad.

I'm finally getting "it" that Dad loves and appreciates me. I was so afraid at the beginning of this ordeal that this was the "icing on the cake" for dad not being my dad anymore. This accident has reshaped our family, really defining our roles and it's good. I think we all needed that. I work so hard to prove to dad that I'm worthy of his love...that I'm a good girl, that I'm smart, talented, a good mother, a good sister...blah, blah, blah....and what I didn't realize is that he loves me no matter what. He appreciates me for WHO I am and what I bring to the table with the family. I always wondered if he thought my "hippy trippy" ways were annoying...wondered if he thought I was too intrusive, talked to much, was too healy feely...but now I realize that he appreciates that in me. The fact that he was SO glad that I was there to be with Caitlin while the doctor talked to her solidified that for me.

Isn't it crazy that I'm 40 years old and am still looking for approval from my father???

And now I will go find some boots for dad at LLBean. Someone stole his from the hospital. Can you believe that? I feel bad for that person that stole them. What are they missing in their lives? Much more than father approval, that's for sure.

Today I am thankful for so much. For my wonderful, loving husband. For my three beautiful, fun and loving girls. For my big black dog and my snuggly cat. For being alive and well on this cold January day...

Art...finally!

2009-01-11T17:24:00.003-05:00

I finally got into my art room today after WEEKS of not being healthy enough to! I have been thinking about what I would make for a square for Caitlin's quilt. I knew I wanted to have an owl...owls were her mother's favorite animal and she had quite a collection throughout the house.

I am quite pleased with it...I hope Caitlin likes it as well!

getting better all the time...

2009-01-08T17:27:00.003-05:00

I feel badly that I don't have new photos to post with each entry. I have all I can do to do new entries!

Today started out pretty interesting...Jolee peed her pants, then, as I was attempting to shower, Elvia came up and stated, "Momma, JoJo pooped on the floor! Come Quick!!!"

Needless to say, I had quite a treat waiting for me on the bathroom floor when I got downstairs.
Good points:
1. It was NOT on carpet
2. It WAS in the bathroom
3. I have NO problem throwing underwear away

I then got the kids set up with the developmental therapist and the speech therapist and then went off to the hospital to get my chest x-rays.

As I was in the waiting room, I started to experience excruciating pain in my left chest/lung. I made it through the x-ray, the technician only could say, "wow, it must be scary to not be able to breathe and to be in such pain." Yes, scary.

So, I proceeded to the hospital entrance and called my doctor. They expedited the reading of the x-ray films to be sure nothing was amiss. Of course, I was sobbing on the phone as I was talking to them. I was just so frustrated, alone and worried. I had NO idea what was wrong with me. I guessed it was nothing major, but I'm not used to being in pain and not knowing why.

They asked me to stay at the hospital until they could read the x-rays...I did and a 1/2 hour later they told me I could go home, that the x-rays were clear. They also asked me to come into the office to see the doctor at 1:30.

Oh, did I mention that I had the worst case of diarrhea while I was waiting for them to return my call??? And I was paranoid that my cell phone wouldn't get reception in the bathroom. What luck!!! The phone worked! Thank God!!!

I came home, got the girls down for a nap, and my ANGEL of a neighbor, Mary, came over to stay with the girls.

Then I went BACK to the doctor. She told me that my lungs are clear (thank goodness) and that I may have bruised my ribs from coughing so much. Crazy.

So, I have decided that from here on in, I am NOT sick. I am getting better, continuing to take care of myself finding positivity everywhere I can!

and the fact that my sister is doing better...it's wonderful. I'm so glad for her and my dad. I just need to get well enough so that I can go down and give her a hug.

Bored in Bed

2009-01-03T13:00:00.004-05:00

she starts to fall....
she can feel herself falling farther....
and she finally crashes...

I cannot believe that I have been sick for so long. More than a week. A week ago, I was hit really hard...but it was days before that I felt myself sinking. I just never thought it would happen. I don't get sick. I keep going. I'm the energizer bunny! I am everything to everyone and still manage to keep strong!

Not this time.

Have I learned anything?

I have learned that it sucks to be idle. I have dreamed about this for a long time...imagining myself in an institution somewhere where I can just be heavily sedated and lay in bed and look outside all day. Well, it's not what it's cracked up to be, that's for sure. I am laying here. Moderately sedated...codeine takes the edge off, I guess...and I am looking outside. My dog is my trusty companion and jerry the cat comes and checks in every few hours or so. My door is locked so that the kids cannot just randomly come in and jump on me...it's kind of like that institution.

I've decided that I don't want that option.

I cannot do laundry.
I cannot clean the toilet
I cannot even take a shower! hannah, you do not want to KNOW how long it's been!!!

I have read 2 1/2 books
I have thought about writing...it would probably be a great time to write that novel in my head...
I have cried
I have found lots of monster faces in the trees outside
I have listened to the lovely tones of the wind chimes just outside my window...laura, the ones you got for us...remember?

and I have slept.

I think that codeine enhances dreams. wowza! I have been having dreams like crazy! and in most of them, I cannot stand up! I keep falling down. It's so annoying!!!

Such an interesting existence I have right now.

and my mind still wanders back to my little sister....
oh, I should be writing about that. SHOULD. that's such a big word....

Sick, sick, sick...

2009-01-01T08:31:00.002-05:00

I'm tired of being sick.
I've been in bed for 4 days.
I haven't been able to see my girls.
I don't want to take the chance of giving THEM pneumonia.
I haven't really been able to talk to my husband...
I can't really talk because I start to cough every time I try.

And today is Meka's birthday.
I did go down and wish her a happy birthday.
She's having a party today and I cannot go. Donny has taken care of all of it, I haven't done a thing.
How lame.
I can't stand up long enough without my head hurting and getting dizzy, let alone, coughing and chancing my germs getting out onto them.

I told her I'd make it up to her.
I hope I can keep my promise.

I just feel so helpless and useless.

a little lost...

2008-12-22T12:58:00.002-05:00

here I sit
a little lost
not sure what to do
now
that my tasks are through

not really through
but for today
and nothing else
seems important
to do

being so useful
felt so good
and while I'm here
I'm just doing
the same
stuff
that I usually do

It's important
but only to me
why is it that
I need
for others
to see what I do
and who I am?

and in the end
what will there be?
just more chaos
and
confusion
and mess to clean up

I'll still be a
little lost
always
I will be
trying to find
my way
on this
crooked path
they call
life.

no rest yet...

2008-12-11T02:16:00.002-05:00

It's 2am. I cannot believe how many nights I have been awake past midnight! I'm usually in bed by 10 at the very latest...

I am so exhausted. What a long day. I have been taking care of my dad, of courtney, of everyone else...all day. I'm so tired.

I just finished doing Dad's laundry. Yes, laundry at 2am. It had to be done and he needs rest more than I do...so I did it.

It did give me the chance to talk to Laura. I feel so blessed to have her in my life. She's certainly one of my angels...she knows me so well...too well sometimes! And she can bring me back down to reality when I'm flying off on one of my self-righteous rages. Thank God for her...

I have a poem in me...but that's where it's gonna stay. Maybe I'll get it out tomorrow? I just have to go to bed now.

I'm going home tomorrow. I cannot wait to wrap my arms around my girls, have them wrap their arms around ME. Have someone loving ME for a change...and to be hugged, to be taken care of by my wonderful husband. I cannot wait.

time away

2008-12-09T18:30:00.002-05:00

i'm alone...
alone for the first time in days
and I feel so guilty
feel so apart
from my purpose

yet it's alone that I need
alone that I crave
because here is where I can feel
here is where I feel safe
to feel
to scream
to cry
to shake in utter terror
of what lies ahead

but i will go back

I will go back and build myself
back up
I will be there for my father
for my sister
for anyone else who needs me

and then
later
I will be alone again
and I will cry.

can't sleep

2008-12-09T09:56:00.002-05:00

I can't sleep
I'm so tired but I can't sleep
all i can see is her laying there
her body so broken
her soul lingering
just at the threshold
of death

and I'm so tired

i hear her screaming
i feel her pain
i worry about when she will wake up
if she will wake up
i see her burns
her breaks
her sadness
and her pain
and I watch her sleep

but I can't sleep

Musings on trauma...

2008-12-08T18:10:00.003-05:00

This will be my "private" space to write about what is going on for me and my family as I watch my little sister struggle to stay alive...

I have started a Caring Bridge site...which has been wildly successful just today. It makes me feel useful. Makes my purpose here seem more vital.

'Cause that's what I need. A purpose.

Part of me feels so bad for my girls...I was gone all weekend and then left again. To do what? To sit in a hospital and wait. Wait. Wait. And then go in to see if there has been any change...any new news...and there's nothing. She's still laying in the same place I left her. No change. no facial expression. Just the rhythm of her breath with the ventilator. I touch her forehead and can feel her pulse. I talk to her. I send her energy. It's what I can do. It's the only thing I can do.

I saw a bit of her leg today. Oh my god. and I don't say "oh my god." but that's how bad it is. It doesn't resemble a leg. Does not resemble anything human.

How in the world will she make it through this? And...if she does, what will her life be? What will dad's life be? I just cannot even go there right now.

And so I sit. In this dimly lit hallway. Waiting. Shootin' the breeze with my dad. Watching the faces of the other family that is waiting for news of their daughter...

and yet I miss my family. Miss them so much....

Felting Fun!

2008-12-01T20:08:00.004-05:00

And recycling all at the same time! I went to my local Goodwill and absconded with some lovely wool sweaters and rushed home to shrink them! I then cut them up, sewed them back together and embellished them to make these delightful little pouches. I was a bit obsessed for a few days...many of you know about my obsessions...they are VERY intense and VERY short-lived! Here it is December and I'm movin' on to my next obsession...

oh, I haven't discovered it yet! Just give me a minute...

And shall we discuss the fact that it's December? So much for my regular posts...oh well!

Today's 10 things I don't do all of the time...but did today:
10. Let Meka stay home from school even though she wasn't too sick
9. Gave a craft project to Meka that I had visions for...and did NOT intervene and make it what I wanted it to be!
8. Took care of my leftover turkey before it went rotten in the fridge
7. Gave Meka LOTS of chores once Jolee came home and, in turn, my life was relatively quiet before dinner. Miracle. Meka prepared the apples for applesauce, helped prepare dinner, washed the dishes and then processed the applesauce once it was cooked. Jolee spent the entire time "painting"...wooden stars and herself!
6. Put Elvia's hair into cute-as-a-button pigtails and DID NOT get upset when she took them out.
5. Backed out of a church committment so that I could do some self-care this weekend
4. Advocated for myself to go away for the weekend with my dear friend, Denise
3. Convinced myself that I deserve to go away and that my family will survive...probably even thrive...without me!
2. Cleaned my art space and enjoyed the cleanliness!
probably the best one...
1. with the help of Hannah, realized that my sister's birthday is coming up and I need to stick to my "non-materialism" all around...not just when it's convenient. I was going to send her a card with $10...big whoop...but instead decided to make her the cookies that her mother used to make each year at Christmas. Much more thoughtful then $10 and much better all around.

and with that, I am going to bed to read one of my new books that I got at the library!

Yipee!!

Oh...where does the time go???

2008-11-13T08:21:00.004-05:00

I have a few minutes to steal away and update my blog. I have no idea how people like SouleMama have the time to take photos, journal their lives and get their lives done! My hats off to you!

I had started my "list" of 10 things...so I'll continue in that vein.
10 things I'm enjoying these days
10. Sewing. I go through these periods of time when my sewing machine is my friend. I dust her off and we play for days! And then...something happens...Oh, right, my knitting needles call out to me, "hey! what about us???" and so it goes... I have experienced a bit of OCD when it comes to buying fabric in the past. I had a stash to make a quilt for Elvia, a stash to make pillows for our living room, a stash to make dresses for Meka (when she was 5!!!)...and on and on. I finally took it all out, piece by piece, and created! It felt so good to use what I had...not buying anything new...and make things for my family. A big "YES!" was felt in my soul!
Here are some photos of my creations:
Elvia's new "big girl bed" with her quilt that I managed to make in a day!!!
Her "loveys" on her bed. What's missing is the hundreds of books that usually surround her!
Pillows on our new couch! We finally broke down and purchased a new couch...our old one had holes in the cushions and I did NOT want to venture into making slipcovers! Plus, the cushions were pretty spent after 14 years of being sat upon!

and I digress...
9. Cooking. Yes, cooking. I enjoy cooking so much! And, yes, I do cook from scratch...even cheesecake! (inside joke with LJ) I have been receiving so many fun, unusual vegetables from my farm share at Life Force Farm. I have been challenged to find new recipes and have been ordering cookbooks via interlibrary loan and pouring through them trying to find ways to cook the veggies and ALSO recipes that my kids will eat! I love eating soup every night, but they balk at it after the 3rd or 4th night!

Last night I made a delicious red cabbage soup and a loaf of oatmeal bread. It's just so satisfying to make bread. What a treat for my entire family!

I pick up my farm share again today...time to find recipes for collard greens!

8. Nature. I have really been enjoying my surroundings. I haven't been out as much as I would like, it being hunting season and all...but when I'm out, I am in heaven! I took Gracy Lou for a walk during Meka's horseback riding lesson the other day and at one point said aloud, "I am so lucky!!!" Blessed. Lucky. yes, indeed.

7. Helping Meka work through her stuff. And stuff she's got! We have her back on a homeopathic remedy to try to help her focus (we have decided that drugs are NOT in our future...too scary and not appropriate for her). She has been "prescribed" a small square of dark chocolate every afternoon to try to increase her ability to concentrate. She doesn't mind that at all!

And I've been really trying to give her the love and affection she's been craving. Even at almost 9 she loves to crawl into my lap and just be loved. What a gift for both of us.

6. Planning a Winter Solstice celebration at church. I'm not sure how it will unfold, but I'm excited at the idea of planning a fantastically fun celebration of the longest day of the year...for kids!

5. Teaching Religious Education/Exploration at church. I know...those of you who know me would never peg me for someone to teach RE, let alone ATTEND church! But, it IS a Unitarian Universalist church...the church of the OPEN MIND. So I fit right in! Teaching has presented many challenges...behavior issues with kids, not favoring my own daughter...but I love the challenge!

4. Being warm. Donny, did you read that??? I love being warm! I have been complaining a bit about being too warm...but the fact that I'm not COLD is lovely!!!

3. Being a bit more introspective. Really stopping to look at feelings I'm having and try to wrap my heart around them. Rather than beating myself up about not doing this or doing that...I'm really looking at it and figuring stuff out. For example, some good friends want to do a community garden...usually I would say "yes" because that's what THEY want, but I said, "probably not" because it's just not where I want to put my energy next summer. I want to have the freedom to go to the beach, have fun in our own garden and not be stressed about "producing" in a community garden.

2. Being available to my friends. I feel like I'm in a good space right now which gives me some space to open up and be more emotionally available to my friends.

1. Playing with my kids. I'm really trying to take time to play with my children. I'm so busy "producing" that I have a hard time taking time to enjoy just being with them. They are such lovely little creatures...really quite fun!

until next time,
namaste

10 More things...

2008-10-23T19:22:00.002-04:00

Gave the girls leftover pancakes. We always freeze them and then never eat them! I finally remembered! So much healthier than cereal and much more satisfying!
Remembered that today is Meka's teacher's long day and packed her some extra chicken soup and biscuits
Made some funky dangly earrings and a fun tri-string bracelet
Remembered that I had leftover white fleece from a ghost costume I had made for Meka and cut out a new one for Jolee
Gave away most of my gluten-free cooking supplies...I'm not goin' there again!
Made an appointment with our homeopath for Meka. After reading "Ritalin Free Kids" last night I have decided that drugs are NOT the answer I'm looking for
Went to meet "Mr. Hamilton," a living Native American historian that was visiting Meka's school. She was SO excited about him! He was out in the woods in traditional "chief" garb, he had a fire going, water warming, pelts all around him..it was quite cool.
Picked up the first of my winter farm share
Tried to not get stressed out about Jolee harassing the ducks, and then she and Elvia taking their shoes off and squishing their feet in the mud (can you imagine how GOOD that must have felt???)
Let Meka promise me that she would shut the light off in 10 minutes so that she could read a magazine to Jolee.

And another thing I'm trying really hard to do is to not let things get to me...like my very dear friend who seems to be slipping away with each day. I'm not willing to say anything because I'm sure it's just the law of attrition or something. I just have to trust that she still loves me and wants to have me in her life.

And with that, I'm off to make more jewelry! Kids bracelets now! I'll have photos tomorrow.

Must make crafts...work, work, work...

2008-10-22T19:55:00.004-04:00

This is my mantra these days...as you can see, my workshop is getting filled up!earring cards filling up

my messy production area

I've managed to crank out 50 pairs of earrings and the "legs" to my felted angels. I also threw in some fun collage on a mirror...we'll see how that goes over at the craft shows!

Oh, did I mention I've agreed to do two this fall? Crazy woman. That's me!

Let's see...today...I survived today. I suddenly realized that I'm very glad I'm not a single parent. I do think that I would send my kids to public school or live MUCH closer to Merriconeag...driving to Freeport twice a day is NOT my idea of a good use of time!

Okay, I'm going to try to simplify my postings. Lists.
Ready?
10 Things I did today (out of the ordinary realm of my life...see, it's tricky!)...my therapist would have a field day with this one! I can hear her now, "Leslie, you are always wanting to accomplish things. You feel the need to produce all of the time." I know, I know...

Visited with a friend in Yarmouth
Spent some time looking for fun children's books at the library
Took a nap with Elvia (she usually sleeps in her crib)
Took care of banking crap immediately rather than waiting a month like I usually do
Made some yummy chicken soup and BISCUITS for dinner! They actually ROSE!!! No hockey pucks tonight!!!
Managed to keep the woodstove going all day despite me not putting wood on before I left at 8am this morning!
Had "family reading time" on the couch (instead of bedtime reading in bed)
Let Jolee and Meka sleep in my bed
Oh! I almost forgot! I "organized" my freezer! I know, scintillating, isn't it??? I had all of this blackberry puree in ice cube trays that needed to be put in baggies and stuff that was frozen and needed to be sealed. Phew! A big job done!
Relaxed on the couch and read my newest library book, I Was a Great Mother Before I Had Kids (it's close...not sure of the exact title)

and number 10 is "pending" so I have to end this and get on it!

Fall Harvest...

2008-10-20T19:57:00.003-04:00

Not much to say today...except that my husband went out of town for the week and I'm TOAST already! We had an impromptu haircut (NOT by me), a pretty-darned-close-to-the-eye injury from a flying metal serving tray...is that enough? 'Cause, if not, I'm sure I can come up with more!

But, the great news is that I harvested all of our carrots today...as you can see above! They are beautiful! Gracy and Elvia helped me...Gracy LOVES eating carrots and was laying beside me begging the entire time.

This lovely was done by Jolee and me. She did the base painting and glued various papers and things on. I tried my hand at drawing Jolee but it's not even close! Oh well! The upper body is whacked out...but I had fun and Jolee did too! Another idea/inspiration from Kelly Rae Roberts...I highly suggest her book!

Catching up...

2008-10-16T19:50:00.003-04:00

Things have been quite lively here...getting ready for winter (sigh....) and having fun during this beautiful fall!

I spent a lovely weekend away at Kieve last weekend...having a blast with some of my very wonderful women friends. It's so funny to look around the table at women that I would never dream to be friends with, and realize that they are some of my closest "people." I share A LOT with them...maybe TOO much!!!

Anyone got a dollar bill????? (Inside joke for this fall's group!)

Anywho...

Painting anyone? Jolee and Elvia did an outstanding job painting these pieces of a birdhouse. We have it almost constructed...more photos of it completed later.

And a piece of art. It wouldn't be a posting without art, right?

Computer Crashing!

2008-10-10T09:12:00.002-04:00

I had high hopes of being a "better blogger" and updating my site more regularly...and then my computer crashed! And...the worst part is that my hard drive was wiped out. DARNITTTALLL!!!! Along with it went photos that I had pegged to put up on my blog. I was even prepared! I had weeks worth!!!

So, please be patient with me while I find the technology to rebuild! Actually, I just have to get my wonderful husband to fix it for me!!! I'm so lucky!!!

I'm off to Kieve for scrapbooking for the weekend. I'm not sure what the heck I'm going to work on! I've been scrapbooking digitally and have a hard time getting motivated to go back to the "old fashioned" way!

TTFN!

A Special Wedding collage

2008-09-27T15:21:00.003-04:00

This is a collage I made for my brother and his new wife. I constructed it from old music sheets (a shared passion they have) and bits and pieces from their wedding invitation...you can read about it on the image below.

Art and BASIL!

2008-09-26T16:12:00.005-04:00

It's been too long...I know. I've been busy! But, now Fall is in full swing and I'm back to living more indoors than out and finding more time to be creative. Phew!
Here's a preview of yesterday:

we started the day with some painting! The girls got "into it" a little more than I did...I was more tame and followed instructions from Kelly Rae Robert's FABULOUS book, Taking Flight. I don't love it yet...but it's still a work in progress:

And then came the BASIL!!! 2 POUNDS of Basil to be cleaned and then made into....
PESTO!!!!

Yellow Jackets!!!

2008-08-18T19:32:00.001-04:00

Our family had a lovely walk in the woods last night. It just so happens that, as we were marveling at all of the mushrooms, we stepped on a yellow jacket nest! Donny's yelling could be heard from miles around, "RUN!!! RUN!!! OUCH! Aaahhhhhh!!!!! He was the worst off: 25+ stings, mostly under his arms from carrying Elvia; Elvia suffered about 7 or 8 bites...one on the face; Meka 2 and me 2. Jolee made it unscathed!

What a night! Luckily, none of us are allergic.

Phew!

Nature is beautiful...and CREEPY!

2008-08-16T20:47:00.002-04:00

I found these lovely creatures eating my tomatoes...Tomato Hornworms they are called and they can destroy a plant in a matter of minutes...and they can get to be HUGE as you can see by the comparison photo with my thumb.

We took them to our "egg man's" chickens down the road. They loved them!

OhMyGosh!

2008-07-10T21:02:00.005-04:00

It's been WAY too long since I've posted anything! Oops! Life has definitely gotten in the way! I've been gardening, parenting, swimming, cooking and canning...and having a ball! I have managed to make art here and there...and I'll share what I've managed to make:

This is a birthday gift for my niece, Emelia. She has been reading Harry Potter and is infatuated with owls, hence, the owl in the tree. I got this idea from MyCraftivity, a website just "checkerblock" full of fun ideas.

The piece of art is actually a book made out of the pockets of a pair of my husband's old jeans. I used fabric for the spine to hold the pockets together and added paper to the inside to form the book.

It was fun...hopefully she will enjoy it!

Artful Navy Knowledge

2008-06-04T15:03:00.002-04:00

Okay, so I have been totally open-jawed "oh-my-gosh" about the Navy and everything I've learned about the "inner workings." My neighbor is an officer in the Navy and his wife and I have become friends. She has commissioned me to make some art for two dear "cows" (Commanding Officer's Wife) in her life.

Donny asked me to explain the artwork one evening and I just had to say "no." I couldn't muster the energy to explain the whole thing...but I'll try:

One of the squadrons' logo is the "old buzzard." I designed the artwork using their logo and "changed it up" a bit by turning "him" into a female cow. I then added "stuff:" the red stripes are actually paper towels that I had used to clean up my children's art project months ago. The words are the "Navy Wife's prayer" which I got from my neighbor. The wooden letters signify the date of the husband's change of command. The rest is rather hum-drum...embossed stars, metal stars on the bottom...but it was definitely something new for me!

The second piece was using another squadrons' logo, the fighting tiger. I changed him up and made him into a cow as well! I, artistically, like this one better, but feel that the other one is much more in keeping with the patriotic, Navy theme. Oh well...my inner voice came out and called and I HAD to listen!

I did a lot of painting, which I love doing, in this one. The tree has the Navy Wife's prayer written on it and the wooden letters, again, signify the date of the change of command. The sky has embossed "8's" signifying the squadron number...VP-8. Now I just need to find a frame for this one!

I must thank Mary...she inspired me to be artistic again after a bit of a slump. And with summer in full swing, the garden has been stealing a lot of my creativity away!

Happy Mother's Day!

2008-05-11T22:00:00.004-04:00

I had a wonderful Mother's Day.

My family made me a scrumptious breakfast: egg sandwich, strawberries, coffee and orange juice...all served outside on our patio. I had lots of lovely gifts...a new basket/tote filled with gardening goodies and a JoAnn giftcard! My thoughtful husband also got me a "grow-light" contraption for starting seedlings. He's so thoughtful!!! They also bought me some beautiful purple pansies...lovely!

We went to Lowell's cove just in time for low tide. I looked for sea glass and other treasures while everyone else had fun in the water. I know, ocean water in Maine in MAY!!! Craziness!!!

We then went to lunch at a lovely cafe in Harpswell.

We came home, I made some art. Donny made an amazing dinner and now I get to share my creations with you!

Enjoy!

Why I Don't Shower...

2008-05-02T09:03:00.007-04:00

Desitin. Do you know what that is? It's WATER RESISTANT GOO designed to keep moisture away from baby's bottoms...Jolee and Elvia have decided that it makes wonderful finger paint... What I neglected to photograph were the painted walls, mirrors and doors. This all transpired while I was attempting to shower for the first time in...well, let's just say a LONG time.... This is why I don't shower.

And lest you think that all they do is get into trouble...this was a conversation overheard this morning between Elvia and Jolee:
"Elvia, don't push me away. I love you!"
"K, Jo-Jo."
"Elvia, I love you. Will you marry me?"
"K, Jo-Jo."
"You love me! We're married, Elvia!"

One of my angels...

2008-05-01T19:07:00.003-04:00

I painted this card for my dear friend, Susan, today. I visited with her this morning and was reminded of what a blessing she is in my life. She gives me such inspiration and always has the best advice. I love her dearly and consider her one of my very special angels right here on earth...

Art...finally!

2008-04-28T08:58:00.004-04:00

Finally...I made some art! I was inspired while looking through a past issue of Cloth, Paper, Scissors magazine. It's nothing glamorous, but it filled my soul last night while creating her. I'm not sure what I'll do with her.

I have this issue with creating art. I feel like everything I make should be able to be sold. Crazy, huh? That feeling keeps me from making things like this "Joy Within" piece. I can't sell her. I ripped off the idea from another artist and it's very personal to me. that's good, right? I SHOULD be making art for ME, right?

The weekend was great. We went to Wolf's Neck Farm on Saturday and met our good friends, Becca and Rob and their kids there. There were, of course, poop stories. I'll spare you all from them. Let's just say they had more then chicken manure on their lawn that day....

Yesterday Lorraine came down and we had a great time looking at old photos and reminiscing. My favorite part of the day was preparing dinner while Meka, Lorraine and Donny were playing Parcheesi. Listening to their laughter and discussion filled me up with sunshine.

And back to reality on Monday morning! Meka went back to school today and Jolee and Elvia are playing "puppy." Thank goodness they are playing and not attacking each other!!!

NO poop.

2008-04-22T18:40:00.002-04:00

Can you believe it? There's no new installation in the poop chronicles! I'm sure (uh-em) some of you are relieved! Finally, a post from Leslie with NO horrid stories of bowel movements!!!

Oh, of course, there's the story about Jolee sneaking UNDER the electric fence at the barn today and having a horse nip at her finger and then rear up on her...that was a bit scary. Gets the ole' adrenalin pumping, that's for sure!

Not much else exciting happened today. I did take Jolee for her 4-year old check-up. She got one shot, her hand x-ray'd and she peed in a cup. They x-ray'd her to see about bone growth. Seems she has gained weight but has not grown any taller in quite some time. They are ruling out protein "leaks" with the pee test. The doctor was very relieved to hear that we are going to see a geneticist.

More doctors.

But Jolee was happy because no one took BLOOD from her arm today! Just a shot, which is like CAKE to her!

Speaking of cake...
We had a delightful, gluten/casein free dinner:
teriyaki salmon
oriental celery root salad (from Nourishing Traditions cookbook...VERY yummy!!!)
roasted asparagus w/olive oil and garlic and sea salt
leftover rice pilaf (again, from Nourishing Traditions cookbook)
and..
fun, fizzy drinks for the kids:
cranberry juice, club soda and lime!
add vodka, and mommy has a fun beverage too!

Poop Chronicles Part XVII

2008-04-21T20:09:00.004-04:00

Ah, yes, "just another manic Monday..." filled with laughter, love, sunshine and, my favorite, POOP!

I invited my good friend, Bean, over with her children today. When they arrived, I was putting together a gluten-free chocolate cake for dessert, either after lunch or dinner.

I had already scooped one ROLL of toilet paper out of the toilet and into a trash can. I guess I'm lucky that Jolee didn't try to flush it before I got to it, right?

Bean and I were chatting and Jolee was standing in between us, squats down and PEES into her snack dish. I must admit, she had damn good aim. But her snack dish? Come on!

"No, Jolee. We pee on the POTTY, not in small bowls!"

A little while later we are sitting on the front steps trying to finish up bits of about 100 started conversations..."Mommy, I go potty in the woods!" "Okay, Jolee, you can PEE in the woods, but please POOP inside." "Okay, mommy!"

The next thing I know, she and Elvia are having an intense discussion about poop beside us near the hose. "Jolee, did you poop?" "Yes, in the woods!" I go to pick her up and Elvia starts freaking out, pointing to the Eeyore bubble machine they were just playing with, "Poop! Poop! Momma, Poop!!!" ...as I'm carrying Jolee inside, her butt quite dirty from god-knows-what she tried to wipe herself with in the "woods." Yes, indeed, there is a small pile of poop beside Eeyore. Some even on him.

Have I mentioned that Jolee gets strange diseases? Hmmmm..wonder why!

I cleaned her up and off she went, with panties on, but otherwise, naked.

I then proceed to hose off the poop from the driveway. Can you believe Bean stayed even longer? She IS a good friend!

Oh this child! She is a piece of work, that is for sure!!!

Oh, the chocolate cake was eaten for LUNCH dessert and was absolutely YUMMY! I got the recipe on the back of one of the baking mixes I bought and it tasted like any moist, yummy chocolate cake I've ever had. Yippee!!! I did do a bozo move though. I was so excited that I had a sugar shaker that I just "shook" the "sugar" onto the cake. I took one bite and remembered that there is WHITE GLUTEN-LADEN FLOUR in the shaker, NOT sugar!!! Oops!!!

And for dinner tonight...barbeque chicken, 3-bean salad and CFGF cornbread, again, recipe from the back of the Pamela's Baking Mix bag. I DO love the mixes!!!

Friday Fun

2008-04-18T11:15:00.003-04:00

1. Jolee goes outside naked. "Jolee, please don't poop outside." "Okay, momma." I look outside, she's squatting on a rock.
2. Jolee goes outside again. Has her shovel and is mashing a previous poop (that I didn't see) into a rock.
3. Jolee playing with the hose and mud...feet are dirty and her skirt is wet. "Jolee, you're going to have to change your outfit and clean your feet." She runs inside. "Okay, momma!" She comes out with a new skirt and clean feet. "Did you clean your feet?" "Yes, momma, in the potty!"

And it's only 11am!

Overwhelmed...

2008-04-15T09:44:00.002-04:00

I must apologize to my daughter for my last post...sorry Meka, I just kinda lost it!

I am in the throws of gluten-free/casein-free cooking. I have decided to do a "test" for the children...for Jolee's diarrhea and developmental delays and for Meka's attention deficit issues. I have an aching feeling that this is the answer for our family. It's so overwhelming. A huge undertaking...but if it works, I'll be so relieved.

I have found so many amazing blogs on gluten-free cooking. My biggest issues are breakfast and lunch. I usually have no trouble figuring out gluten-free dinners...even rice pasta makes those rushed dinners easy to figure out! It's the dairy AND gluten that get me into trouble...no macaroni and cheese, no grilled cheese...you get the idea.

So here's the schedule for the day:
Shower and get dressed (the showering part has been overlooked for too many days...)
Take all of the gluten-laden snacks from the bottom shelves and put them on the top shelves of the pantry
Make a meal plan for the week, breakfasts, lunches and dinners...snacks too!
Go to Morning Glory (the local health food store) to get the ingredients needed for above meal plan
Pick up Jolee from school
Call about neuropsych testing for Meka
Lunch
Naps
Play
Make dinner
Go to nutrition talk at Merriconeag tonight
Sleep.

Wow. That's a lot.

Yipee!!!

Homework

2008-04-13T10:51:00.002-04:00

Okay, Meka is driving me absolutely CRAZY!!! She has a homework assignment that is SO freakin' easy!!! And she's procrastinating and driving me nuts!!!

Friday night I had a few neighbor friends over to end the week...we had a lovely time eating, drinking and chatting. I'm so very fortunate to have good neighbors!

And the reason I needed an "end of the week pick-me-up" was because of more POOPING episodes:

Jolee does incredibly well all morning: we go for a walk on the bike path, she has NO accidents. We get home, get ready to go to pick up Meka and she wants a diaper on. Okay.

On the way to school, she has a HUGE explosion and manages to get poop on EVERY stitch of clothing...pants, shirt, jacket...but manages to leave her panties unscathed (she insisted on wearing panties OVER her diaper). I change her in the parking lot...poop everywhere.

Okay. Done.

Driving to Hannaford...needed to get groceries. I look back and Jolee says, "pee mommy." "NO! Wait...we're almost there!!!" I hear gurgling...

I change a HUGE mess of diarrhea in the Hannaford parking lot...this time it's in panties and I have NO clothing for her. Luckily, Meka's friend had a sweatshirt...so I put that on her and proceeded to do my shopping.

I bought diapers and put one on her when we were through the grocery store.

Get home.

"Mommy," Meka yelled, "Jolee pooped again!"

OH MY GOSH!!!

more diarrhea...

the vodka drinks went over quite well that night!

Sunny Day...

2008-04-10T18:59:00.002-04:00

What a great day! Someone said it got up to 69 degrees! Nice, round number!!!

I basked in the sun today! I had a blast working on a rock wall. We have this patio project that we started last year that has turned into quite a monumental task! I am designing some curved, rock steps now that will lead down to our "dinner patio." It also might turn into a pond or a hot tub...depends on the day.

I took Meka to horseback riding which is always a blast. I had fun talking to the other mothers that were there. Talking to one who has a teenager in public school made me very thankful that Meka is at Merriconeag. I know, it's a bubble, but a healthy bubble nonetheless.

Nothing artsy today, unless you count the rock wall. I did do a "hope" project yesterday...it was supposed to be a submission for Somerset Studio..but I missed the deadline. I will take photos and post it tomorrow.

The waiting is just awful, isn't it???

Spring is coming

2008-04-08T20:58:00.004-04:00

Thank goodness! MORE snow melted today. I am quite excited to be able to go outside without winter coats, hats, mittens, boots...only to turn around and come back in all too quickly to the tune of "I'm FREEZING!" Ahhhhh...the many blessings of spring!

I just finished looking at a few blogs and am feeling quite useless. I hate it when I start feeling this way. I know, I know...three small children, house, husband...blah, blah, blah...and not a creative bone in my body these days. I was so inspired when I was on vacation...trying really hard to believe in myself and my creative genius and it's gone again! I have NO time to create except at night and, by that time, I'm exhausted! I know...I'll have my time...but I'm so frustrated NOW! I look at my friends doing their art and pine for that time. That inspiration. That mind that used to be MINE!

I did manage to pull off a terrific surprise party for Don Juan last Friday. It was nice to provide him with an evening of happiness. He was truly happy. I had people come dressed as Donny and, for those who forgot, I provided some of Donny's old t-shirts. It was a blast.

Last weekend I attended the Merriconeag annual tuition assistance auction. The theme was "Rudolph's Diner" and I dressed in my mother's 50's attire. The only thing that was missing was the cat-eye glasses, so I dug into that creative me and whipped out a pair! I just cut some black paper, adorned it with jewels and used glue dots to attach it to my glasses. Not bad, eh? The auction was a lot of fun and we managed to raise $30,000 to boot!

Last week Jolee got a hold of scissors and did a number on her hair. We ended up "fixing" it at the WORST hairdresser in town...actually, in Yarmouth. I was HORRIFIED at how badly she cut it. And, dumb me, let her cut Meka's hair too! Luckily, it grows!

Some artful stuff...

2008-04-02T12:48:00.000-04:00

We spent an amazing week in St. Martin and I was inspired to do a line I call "Orient Beach Originals." Here is a peek at what's coming!

And here is a photo of the knitted dolls I finally finished up before we left. After many failed attempts, I think I finally have the heads down!

Oh dear!

2008-03-31T14:11:00.002-04:00

It HAS been a while!!! So sorry to my devout followers! I had an amazing vacation and have decided to create a new line of "beattie originals" ....they will be featured on my very own website. I have yet to uh-em...HIRE my web designer...Donny??? but I have come up with ideas...stay tuned for these precious creations! I'm going to try to convince Hannah to sell her creations on my website as well. We'll see how it goes!!!

I'll post photos later. Gonna go do some ahhhrt while the girls are resting!

Scandal!

2008-03-10T19:35:00.004-04:00

I'm sitting here, watching TV, looking at blogs...

the Governor of NY was caught hiring a prostitute.

Is he completely STUPID??? I just don't get it. You're a public figure for goodness sakes!!! WHY? And why would he need a prostitute? Wow. I live in a bubble!

But, my bubble was quite fun this past weekend.

I took off on my semi-annual Kieve scrapbooking weekend. There were 16 of us this time and we all had a blast, as usual. We laughed and laughed and then laughed some more! We went in the hot tub...and they all accepted and expected my nudity. Ah...nothing like good friends!

I had to get ready for my upcoming vacation to St. Martin!

Donny and I leave a week from today! We are heading back to our favorite naturalist resort, Club Orient, which is on the French side of St. Martin. I'm very excited and also very nervous about going.

I know that the girls will be fine while we're gone, but I get an ache in my stomach thinking about being away from them. I'm sure 3/4 of it is the fear of dying...of leaving the girls behind to ...who knows what. I also love seeing them everyday. I love looking at them, hugging them, hearing about their day (well, Meka tells me!) and then watching them as they go to sleep. As much as they drive me batty on a daily basis...I will miss them terribly!

Speaking of the kids...
We've decided to bring Jolee to a geneticist as well as to Children's Hospital in Boston. Her diarrhea has not gotten any better and it's just awful. Today she had three bowel movements and was screaming because her bottom was so raw. The poor little thing. I just cannot accept that this is how it will be for her indefinitely. Hopefully we can get some answers as we trudge forward.

Okay, enough news for the night! I'll try to upload some scrapbook photos tomorrow. I'm off to read more blogs and get some inspiration!

Happy Birthday to JoJo!

2008-03-02T19:36:00.004-05:00

Jolee's 4th birthday was a blast! We spent our snowy Saturday at the YMCA in Freeport, swimming our little hearts out! We had a fun dinner and ice cream cake on Saturday night and then had the big "hoo ha!" on Sunday. The family came over, I made fun ladybug cupcakes and we partied like kids! Jolee was very happy and very tired!

Post Birthday Update

2008-02-21T16:49:00.005-05:00

This post is for those of you who read my post and thought, "oh, gee, Leslie has LOST her MIND!!!"

The REST of my 39th birthday was just lovely. I received phone calls from all of my parents, biological and otherwise. Even Barry remembered and called me last night! I was quite moved by them all calling me to wish me well on my "special" day. I received a riotous card from my dear friend, Vicki, and it brought me back to silly days in high school. The end of the night, however, was the highlight of my day.

I had brought the girls to Target for some "retail therapy" and got home to find the table lovingly set with my purple dish ware and purple tulips and a nice bottle of wine. Donny had gone to "Doug's" (a.k.a. Scarlet Begonia's) to get dinner. He and Doug designed a meal just for me! I had my very own, personalized Doug special! It was so delicious! Scallops, spinach and roasted red peppers in a pesto cream sauce. Oooh, la la!!!

And dessert...

My very favorite: German chocolate cake. We tried a new bakery, the European Bakery in Falmouth, and it was TO DIE FOR!!!

I think you all recall my foiled TJ Maxx shopping experience??? Well, Donny managed to surprise me with a gift certificate there to spend on myself. After dinner, I said "see ya!" to the family and went shopping! Hannah met me out and, after TJ Maxx, we went to Borders and browsed until 10.

So, see? I'm okay. I'm NOT losing my mind. Just a little bit here and there...nothing to get your panties in a wrinkle over.

New craft project? These LOVELY knitted fairy dolls in this month's issue of Living Crafts magazine.

Happy Freakin' Birthday to me....

2008-02-20T11:50:00.002-05:00

I wrote in my journal today..."Happy Birthday?"

Because it's just not happy. It's just another day of changing shitty diapers, listening to whining, driving here there and everywhere and not enjoying myself at all.

How's that for self-pity? So much for the censoring, huh?

Just a sampling of my wonderful birthday morning...please resist the urge to want to covet my life:
1. got woken up at 5:30am
2. had hot coffee spilled on my by jumping child at 7am
3. Listened to chorus of whining combined with the occasional screaming while drying my hair
4. Realized that I'm really FAT and hate my body right now
5. Drove all three kids to speech therapy and then listened to Elvia whine and scream for an hour. Fantasized about shopping at TJMaxx after speech therapy...talking myself into the fake reality that it would be fun.
6. Pulled into the TJMaxx parking lot, took the keys out of the ignition, turned around to look at Jolee..she PUKES everywhere.
7. Had a fit.
8. Called Donny crying and whining about how much I hate my life.

the rest is just icing on my incredibly stale, tasteless birthday cake.

Almost finished blanket...

2008-02-18T08:59:00.005-05:00

So here is the blanket that I promised an image of. It's not completed. I did edging around the outside of it and it looked darling once it was finished. I'm working on another one right now. The edging is a bit of a challenge, as the squares are all different sizes.

Here are a few photos of the girls last week during our shaving cream/finger painting escapade! It's times like these when I think that I'm doing a good job as a mom...when I actually think of fun, silly things for the kids to do and not worry about how much of a mess it will make. And a mess it DID make!

My good friend, Denise, told me about another messy activity to do with the girls...fill a bin with play sand and put it on a sheet. What fun! The girls played in the sand for at least an hour. When they were all done, I simply folded the sheet, shook the excess sand back into the bin and the mess was all cleaned up! A great sensory exercise!

This past weekend I traveled to Massachusetts to visit with my dear friend, Gina and to visit with my Aunt in the hospital. I had a wonderful time with Gina. It's amazing that we can be in such different places in life, but understand one another so perfectly. She's going through fertility crap and I ache for her. All of the feelings came rushing back to me while I was listening to her. The hatred for anyone who is pregnant or just had a baby. It's so irrational, but so real. I'm so glad I'm not there anymore. I still yearn for the experience of being pregnant and being in "the club," but know that 4 children would put me over the top, WAY over the top!

My Aunt...that's another story...

We had such a nice visit. It was so strange to be alone with her. We used to spend so much time together. I remember visiting with her when Donny and I had broken up and her offering me so much solace. I was so sad at the time. We would go for long walks and just talk, talk and talk. Of course, she scared me into becoming born-again and I went a little off the deep end of Christianity for a bit...but I found my way back to reality!

Anyway...the hospital visit was so good. We talked about the old times...cooking together, playing all of the time...my mom, her relationship with her children, how disappointed she is at the way life turned out. We talked about her dying...how she's not afraid, almost looking forward to what's coming next. It was such a good visit...but then she told me that she was sneaking wine into the hospital.

Why??? I just don't understand addiction. I have had my share of them...bulimia was nothing to sneeze at...but I KNEW the entire time that I had a problem. I was aware of what I was doing to myself. She is in complete denial. Here she is in the hospital, dying due to cirrhosis of the liver caused from drinking...and she's STILL drinking???!!?? It's like the person with emphysema who continues to smoke. I don't get it.

And then I did something that I'm still struggling with. I told the nurse. She thanked me for telling her and then told me that she had to address it. I was sorry that I had told her. Who am I to play God and tell my Aunt what she can and cannot do? I did it out of love, that goes without saying...but there are other parts of it as well. It's done and I have to live with it...but I have remorse.

Today it's raining. I am SO tired of winter!!! I want to run away to a deserted island with my family and never come back!!!

Another flippin' snowday!!!

2008-02-13T09:35:00.002-05:00

Okay, I know...I live in Maine...it's supposed to snow...but this much??? I wish that I could go out in it and have fun...but it's hard to snowshoe or ski with two little ones. By the time they are in bed at night, I'm just too tired to think about physical exertion. I remember skiing with Meka when she was little. I'd go out at "the witching hour" (between 3:30 and whenever Donny got home). I'd put her in the backpack and ski, ski, ski. I looked into a "chariot" from LLBean, but to the tune of $800, I decided that it was just not necessary.

So, now I sit and look out at the snow. It's piling up outside my window and closing me in.

Only a month and I'll be basking in the sun in St. Martin...Thank GOD!!!

Tax Hell...

2008-02-12T21:44:00.001-05:00

That's where I am...tax hell. I do this to myself EVERY year! In January...or February...I am a lunatic trying to get everything ready so that I can file our financial aid application in time...by February 15th. And each year I say the same damn thing, "this year I will be better at keeping records so that taxes will be easy next year..."

and I never do it!

So what ends up happening is me filing the taxes with my fingers and toes crossed that we NEVER get audited!

I'll be back with art one of these days!!!

2008-02-08T15:14:00.001-05:00

The snow is still falling...it's so incredibly beautiful outside. Jolee is snuggling with me in my lap. Meka is taking a much needed rest time in her room and Elvia is debating on getting up from her non-nap in her room. I'm listening to "smoky" jazz on Pandora...my recent "online radio" addiction.

I've made an art decision..

sounds big, doesn't it?

Not really. I'm going to focus on a letter and go crazy coming up with silly sayings for that letter. Princess Penelope started me off. Stay tuned for more P creations!!! I have a few fun sayings...now I need to create art to go with them! I hope you enjoy Princess Penelope. I just love her!

Thursday already?

2008-02-07T09:57:00.000-05:00

I cannot believe it! I informed a friend that I was posting almost daily...NOT! I thought I was! I guess that's what happens when life takes over.

My pondering for the day...actually, yesterday and the day before...

The point of a blog is to have others READ your stuff, right? But then you must CENSOR what you write...because you can't let EVERYONE know your stuff! Unless, of course, your mind is always on the straight and narrow...then you're all set.

My recent troubling thoughts contain stuff that I just cannot divulge. I let some people in on some things, but not everyone in on everything. That's normal, right? I read other people's blogs and can't help but wonder what really goes on in their minds! Are they all truly that happy and creative all of the time??? Do they every want to scream? Strangle their kids? Am I the only one?

I think not. But it goes back to that censoring issue. We must censor. That's the bottom line, I guess. So, censor I will!

Life is just grand. The girls are in their floral boutique dresses, playing fairy/princess make-believe and hugging and kissing one another frequently.

and if you believe that load of crap, you don't know me very well!!!

Superbowl Sunday

2008-02-03T21:06:00.000-05:00

Will the Pats win? Do I really care? no. I do not. I view football as a silly game. Full grown men dress up in costumes and run up and down a field, attacking one another...and get paid MILLIONS of dollars to do so. Makes my skin crawl! What about our national debt? Can we use some of their salaries to pay that? Or, better yet, what about all of the starving children in our country, let alone the world? Abused kids? Kids with cancer?

Can we give the money to them???

No. We must keep paying these men to run up and down a field in their costumes.

Okay, enough ranting.

art? sure. here's some!
I did these Valentine ATC's last week. I had so much fun making them. The "fairest hippy" has glitter paint on it...that's why it looks so grainy.

On a more serious note...My mother-in-law had a heart attack last week. Come to find out, ti wasn't technically a heart attack, but it's the easiest way to describe it. Either that, or picture your heart experiencing a charlie horse. Ouch.

I finally felt it today. I was sitting in church, listening to Full Circle sing and just started crying. I suddenly realized that, between Donny being sick all week and his mother in the hospital, I was spent. Emotionally spent. I had not taken any time at all to just cry. I haven't allowed myself the time and space to just "be." It was so amazing to be surrounded by this beautiful music. I just let myself go and what I found was a weakened me. I have been taking care of so many people this week, this month, this year...that I haven't been taking care of me at all.

Back to Lorraine...she's fine. She's home now. She has to rest. What a huge scare. I have been feeling anger and frustration toward her since I learned that she doesn't approve of our decision to take a "kid-free" vacation this spring. It's just amazing how all of the crap we carry with us from day to day just melts away when faced with death. To see her so vulnerable, so scared...to see Donny so scared and so sad...perspective is what I gained. I love her dearly and am so thankful that she is well.

And now I will sign off for the night.

Inspirational Crocheting...

2008-01-29T14:49:00.001-05:00

We are doing community blankets at Meka's school for 3 families that were impacted by a horrible car accident a few weeks back. The project is absolutely amazing. I will take photographs of the finished blankets and post them when I get them.

The school asked members of the school community to knit or crochet 5" squares for the blankets. All of the squares will then be sewn into blankets for the people that were involved in the accident. I have done a few "boring" squares and then came up with this one. I just love it. I used leftover yummy yarn (I have NO idea what it is, just know that it's yummy!) and then embellished with a crocheted flower, buttons and some metal letters.

I made a very fun ATC yesterday that I was very excited to share and I have lost the darn thing! I'll post it when I find it!

I Wanna Win!!!

2008-01-28T14:39:00.001-05:00

A neighbor, dear friend and fabuloso artist, Catherine Mathews-Scanlon, has a new book! And...she's having a contest to win one!

I just feel so cool to have friends that publish books!!! Catherine is such an inspiration to me. She ROCKS in the kitchen too!

Check out her blog and her new book!

Catching up...

2008-01-28T13:44:00.001-05:00

I DID cook meals, or plan meals, all last week, but didn't have time to post them! I even took a photo of my salmon marinating! So here's my list (I already told you about Tuesday and Wednesday, exciting as they were!):

Thursday: Thursdays are always hard because I take Meka to horseback riding and we don't get home until 5:30-6pm. This week, however, Donny took her so I had a chance to prepare dinner!
Menu: Marinated salmon, rice pilaf (Near East roasted garlic) and steamed broccoli (the girls get a charge out of having "eat the tree" contests)

Salmon recipe:
1 cup soy sauce (I use Bragg's Liquid Aminos...I perceive it as more healthy :-)
1 cup white wine (I bought a "box-o-wine" and keep it in the pantry for cooking adventures)
2 tbsp chopped garlic (I buy it in a jar already chopped)
1 tbsp chopped ginger (again, from a jar)
mix all together, add salmon and marinate for as long as possible (1 hour was all we had today but I have my nifty sealer container that makes marinating fast and easy!). I usually grill the salmon, but I broiled it instead. The salmon is done when it flakes with a fork.
Delicious!

Friday: Our household favorite that reminds me of Lindsey every time we have it...chicken, penne and broccoli tossed with an alfredo/pesto mixture. Recipe: cook chicken. cook penne. steam broccoli. Throw together and put on a bunch of pesto cut 1/2 with alfredo. All from a jar. Simple and delicioso!

Elvia and Jolee had a wonderful time painting on Friday morning. We learned all about Blue and Red! The brushes, mind you, were a means to and end. An end which resulted in very RED and very BLUE hands!

My weekend was super fun. Friday afternoon I took Jolee and Meka skating at the ice rink in Falmouth. The school has ice time rented throughout the winter on Fridays from 2-3. Jolee was not so sure that skating was all that fun, especially when she fell over and over and over again. We found a folding metal chair and pushed her around and that was MUCH more her style!

Saturday morning I got up, got ready and got the hell outta dodge! Hannah, Lizzie and I took a road trip to visit "friend Laurie" at her digs at the Portsmouth Naval Shipyard. She's a Captain in the Air Force getting her master's degree and is living at the Naval base for a spell. Her husband, Brunu, cooked us an amazing authentic Portuguese lunch and then shooed us off to the craft store Absolutely Everything in Topsfield, MA. We got home, primped and then went into Portsmouth for dinner. We ended up eating at a brew pub and had a great time. I cannot divulge and of our dinner conversation topics, but let's just say we all learned A LOT about each other!!!

We tried to go out dancing but the bands just weren't doin' it for us. We went home, ate some chips and ice cream and went to bed around midnight.

Sunday morning, Laurie cooked us yummy blueberry pancakes and then sent us on our way. There was a tricky snowstorm that slowed us down a bit on the way home, but we made it safe and sound.

I arrived to find a VERY sick husband and three crabby girls! I sent him to bed and managed to maintain some semblance of peace for the rest of the day. We even made cookies!

I managed to get the three girls up, dressed and fed and all of us OUT the door by 8:05 this morning! We were a little late for school, but I had to cut myself a little bit of slack!

Donny went to the doctor and has influenza (the FLU!) so he's resting and I'm trying my darndest to baby him! It does NOT come naturally to me. I have too many other little people to baby!

'til tomorrow!

Dinner Challenge 1&2

2008-01-24T07:22:00.001-05:00

Sommer put us all to the challenge: plan and prepare meals for 5 nights. Here's what she proposed:

"Here's my idea: I am challenging myself to making dinner every night this week. And it has to be something I haven't made in a long time. Each morning, I'll post the recipe from the previous night's dinner, with a picture, of course. I'm aiming for quick and easy over here.

I'm inviting you to do the same! Join me, and post your dinner recipes on your blogs. Hopefully, we can all get out of this rut and try something different."

I have no photos...I'm lucky to get dinner on the table!
Last night:
egg, peppers, bacon and cheese breakfast burritos
the recipe?
well, saute a bunch of onions and peppers. Add cooked bacon towards the end (I cook my bacon in the oven. Anyone else know this WICKED easy trick?) Whisk a bunch of eggs, add some 1/2 n 1/2 and pour over veggie mixture. Add a bunch of shredded cheddar. Pile onto a ww tortilla and you're done!

Tuesday night:
A bit more involved...I'll have to post this one later. I will tell you that I put chicken legs in the crockpot with a bottle of Annie's terryaki marinade and let them cook all day. I also made a macrobiotic bean dish (this is the part that I need to get the recipe for but have to get my kids up and out of bed!!!) and peas and a salad. And wine. And I even invited the neighbor and her daughter over for an impromptu dinner!

More later!

creative FUNK.

2008-01-24T06:56:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I guess I am experiencing the equivalent of writer's block. I'm gonna call it my Creative Funk.

I tried so hard to be creative over the last few days. To create. To make something, ANYTHING that made me smile. Nope. Nadda. Big fat ZERO!

I made a collage for my friend, Bean. Hated it.
I made that little card for my sister, Courtney. Hated it.
Made 2 Valentine ATCs yesterday. Didn't hate them, but didn't love them either.

Where did it go? Will it come back? How do I find it again???

Is it because I have changed my focus a teeny tiny bit and it's not all about ME now? Is it because I'm struggling with discipline and poop and mealplanning?

Current issues:
Gracy the dog has some intestinal junk. She was up, oh, at least 1000 times last night! Okay, I exaggerate (that's a funny word when you look at it...) I slept through most of it, but did NOT sleep through my frustrated, sleepless husband's tirades each time he got back into bed. At 4am he said, "You deal with her." So out at 4, out at 6:30 then out again at 6:45.

This is why I am up and updating my blog at 7am!

The most current is what I am doing right now...it is quite idyllic:
Sitting on the living room floor in front of a crackling fire, the heat pouring onto my body. Gracy is laying beside me, her body pushing up beside my leg (I just gave her a little luv scratch). And I am enjoying the day's first cup of coffee. The kids are still sleeping and the house is very quiet. Something that, if you've been to my house you know, is very rare.

It's a little slice of heaven right here, right now.

the rest of the day...
Jolee and Meka go to school today. I meet with Jolee's teacher about some new "strategies" to help her stay OUT of trouble at home. Meka has horseback riding and I have choir tonight.

Will I find art time in there somewhere?
If I do, I will TRY to not beat myself up about it...I'm sure that's what you're thinking..."it's okay, Leslie, don't be so hard on yourself...."

have a lovely Thursday everyone!

Artful Tuesday

2008-01-22T11:14:00.000-05:00

It's my little sister's birthday tomorrow. She's turning 20! And has so much growing up to do! I hope she likes her artful card! I had fun making it.

The chicken is in the crock pot, the beans are soaking...I'm so "ON" today! I actually got up and prepared a healthy, warm breakfast for the girls...of course, they didn't dig it as much as I would have hoped. Oh well. "A" for effort today!

What else will be accomplished today? One never knows....

Monday musings..

2008-01-21T08:15:00.000-05:00

I feel like I've used that subject title before. I guess I get motivated on Monday mornings to just...well, muse!

I attended an amazing workshop at Merriconeag last Thursday night. It was Simplicity Parenting by Kim John Payne. He's an Australian with some of the best parenting advice I've heard in a very long time. He has done so much work with stressed out kids...and his message is so basic...simplify your life and your kid's lives. So, of course, if I were following the advice 100%, I would NOT be blogging right now! I have considered really putting myself to the test...no cell phone, no computer...but I'm not quite ready for that. I am going to cut back on their usage, though.

The areas that I'm working on with my children include simplifying their lives. I cleaned out Meka's room the other day: 2 trash bags are going to Goodwill. I struggle with gifts that well-intentioned relatives give our children. I struggle with the gifts WE give our children. But, when it comes down to it, if it's not purposeful, it goes. If they don't love it, it goes. If it does nothing to encourage their imaginative play, it goes.

Now my task will be to limit what comes INTO our home and our lives. One family at school buys their children NO Christmas gifts. They take a family vacation instead. How lovely is that? I think of how much we spend on Christmas and how wasteful MOST of it is and think, I'd much rather go away for a long weekend with our family.

Now I just have to work on the boy. Donny, what do you think?

This weekend we made an impromptu trip to Little Dog for breakfast on Saturday. We ended up running into a slew of friends! Two of Jolee's "classmates" from preschool were there...it just so happened to be her favorite two!

Saturday night we had a new babysitter. She seems quite nice. The girls liked her, so that's what really matters. We went out to dinner with "the grapes" and then went dancing afterward. We had such a great time! It's so nice to go out and have fun! As adults, it's hard to figure out what, exactly, that is!

Yesterday I went up to my dad's to have a family picture taken. What a trip that was! My sisters are the epitome of teenagers! I had Jolee and Meka with me, they had fun, so that's what matters.

We then met my mom at the nursing home she works at. We went around to meet some of her favorite residents. It was good to see her in her element, the place that has filled her with such positive self esteem over the past months. We all went to dinner afterward and had a lovely time. Jolee's behavior could have been a bit better, but we had fun nonetheless!

And today has begun...Elvia and Jolee and I will figure out something fun while Meka spends the day with mom. Until next time...

New day...old art...

2008-01-17T14:17:00.000-05:00

I have the feeling that I HAVE to share art with every entry. That's why I started this silly blog...to showcase my art and my inner musings...so here is some "old art." I made this for Hannah, my dear sister-in-law, for her birthday last year. I used sea glass that I had collected through the summer as well as other random "mixed media" components. The writing at the bottom is the tale of our friendship, an often unspoken but understood contract about our relationship and what it means to me.

Todays stuff...

The day started with an exhausting battle with Meka. What did I learn? That I have GOT to pick and choose my battles much more wisely! Luckily I discussed the morning's events with Jolee's preschool teacher. She put things into perspective VERY quickly!

And it got me to thinking that MORE mothers out there...in Topsham even...must need this type of feedback. So, I've decided that it's imperative that I organize and execute a series of parenting workshops for mothers in my area.

And that leads me to my "high" today. I went cross country skiing with my dear friend, Chris Cole. Chris is an artist, a therapist, a singer...and a wise, wise woman. I love her dearly and feel so blessed to have her in my life. We have come up with our first series in my new parenting workshop.

Anger.

We all have it. We all disperse it in UNHEALTHY ways and it affects all of us in no-so-pleasant ways.

I'll let you know where all of this goes!

And now it's off to school to pick up Meka, take her to horseback riding and then a fun night out with Hannah. We're going to the Simplicity Parenting talk at the school.