Expressions of Life

I have fallen in love.
Fallen in love with yoga.
It allows me to surrender, to feel, to love, to Be.
and it allows my body a certain stillness that cannot be achieved in day to day life.
I can push myself, feel my outer limits of strength and then curl into myself and honor who I am and what I have within myself...strength, peace, kindness and love.

A few weeks ago I had an amazingly moving experience while practicing yoga at Jai Yoga in Brunswick. My teacher, Jen, is 7 months pregnant. She exudes confidence, patience, calmness and is absolutely beautiful in her expression of her pregnancy.

I was positioned in a corner of the studio, looking out the large windows. The sky outside was a brilliant blue, a few puffy white clouds hung in the air. I gazed down to the crowded parking lot where my van was parked. My van holding my old, decrepit black lab, Gracy.

I was so struck by the dichotomy of my experience. To my right was the perfect expression of life. A beautiful, vivacious, living woman growing a perfect expression of life in her womb. Just outside the window lay my Gracy Lou who, at 14, is at the end of her life. Her hips are failing her, her body is not strong, her hearing is gone, her vision blurry. The perfect expression of  life ending in my van.

I had to hold back my tears. Not tears of sadness...mind you, but tears of experience. The joy of new life, the reflection of a life of happiness with my dog.

As you move through your life today, try to reflect on life...what around you is the perfect expression of life? Of death?

Spring is the perfect time for this reflection. Everything is new...new beginnings...the plants burst forth and put forward their perfect expression of life, baby animals are being born, each of us feel enlivened and ready for our fresh start that is Spring.

And death...what is dying in you? What can you leave behind with the cold and darkness of winter? Don't just put it on a shelf for next year. See if you can release it in the eastern wind that blows the coldness and staleness away.

I dare you.

Parting is Sweet Sorrow...

My oldest daughter and I are leaving on a much-needed vacation to California to visit with my biological mother and other relatives. I'm leaving my husband and two younger children behind and am having such mixed feelings.

On the one hand, I'm very excited to be embarking on this fabulous adventure with my 12-year old daughter. We used to be able to travel together a lot, but haven't since the other two have come into our lives. I  know that time with her loving and adoring me might be fleeting, so I want to soak up this experience with every fiber of my being.

Having children with attachment issues, however, makes it very hard to leave the other two behind. I never know what behaviors are creeping up because my impending departure and, undoubtedly, I will have some penance to pay when I get home...lots of "feelings" will come out about my desertion once I return.

To make the separation a little easier on the ones left behind, I prepared a "gift of the day" basket as well as "messages of the day" for each of them. There are messages for both of them, just short and sweet, but something to remind them that I AM coming home, that I haven't abandoned them. I will also give them each a shirt of mine to sleep with while I'm away, not washed so that it will keep the "smell of me" alive in them while they sleep. I'm hoping that this will help to relieve some of their anxiety.

What do you do when you are leaving your children for an extended period of time? We all have our own strategies. I'm interested to hear yours...

Valentine's on the Mind...

 This project started with a grand idea while laying on the couch nursing a sore neck. Some of my most brilliant work begins this way! I wanted to have a fun project ready for the girls when they got home from school and this proved to fit the bill.

Paper bags and ....SNACKS!

I gathered some paper bags and cut them to lay flat on my table. I had so much fun reminiscing about covering my text books in junior high and high school with these paper bags. I did, however, notice that Trader Joe's bags are much more artsy than the bags we used to get from Mister Market!

Paper bags were NEVER this beautiful in the 80's!

I then decided that I needed a tablecloth. I unearthed the sheet I had used as a tablecloth last Thanksgiving. It brought back lots of fantastic memories as I read the things our guests had been thankful for that day. 

The girls came home and got right to work. They were so excited to have free range with their paint colors and to be using sponges

 

 The end results were beautiful! I tried my hand at sewing them on my machine, but got a bit frustrated with how they were coming out.
So the next day, I went into the studio and took it up a notch and created this lovely string of hearts...Jolee had a day off from school, so she painted, I cut and sewed and she stuffed. Fun, fun FUN!

Art Journaling...Fear

I took an on-line parenting course a couple of years ago led by Heather Forbes. Her basic tenet is that there are only two underlying emotions: Fear and Love.

It took me a long time to wrap my brain around this concept...what about sadness and anger and happiness and all of the other emotions that I have? Well, what I discovered is that she's right...all of my "yucky" feelings are based in fear. All of my "good" feelings are based in love.

"This principle may be very difficult to grasp initially because we live in a fear-based society and anger is generally our immediate reaction to a threatening event. Seldon do we actually experience ourselves as being afraid. This emotion of fear, however, is the root of our anger. We avoid it because it feels safer to be in a place of anger (a protective feeling), while we feel exposed and vulnerable to be in a place of fear." states Heather Forbes in her book Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control.

Sharon Soneff has a bit on Fear in her book Art Journals & Creative Healing, "Phobias can be paralyzing, but even common fears can become obstacles to growth and achievement. Facing, on paper, that which we fear and dread is a wonderful stride toward facing those same things in our daily lives."

So what do we do with THAT? you might ask...

My challenge to you today is to open your journal and fill a page with fears. They can be irrational fears, real fears, silly fears...any fear that you might have. It's amazing what you find when you sit with fear for a few minutes. Take 15-20 minutes with this exercise and see where you get.

This is where I got:

For those of you who don't like to share your innermost thoughts and feelings for FEAR of someone else seeing them, fear not. We will be covering up this litany of fears in our next exercise....

Sweet Art...

Corduroy pants repurposed into a fabric "locket"

with a personal message inside...

Coffee bag from Brazil, woven remnant from Guatemala...

Making class samples for Beattie Chicks usually benefits my home and family in more than one way. I get excited about making art (mommy's happiness directly impacts the happiness of the entire family) and my children and, sometimes, husband, receive lovely little works of art from me!

Since she was a baby, I have sung "You are my sunshine..." to Jolee. I have changed the words..of course, I always change lyrics to fit my needs...and she often says to me, "mommy, please sing the my sunshine song." This little fabric locket is hers to hold close to her heart and now, when she wants to "hear" the song, she will have it close by.

I'm hoping that one day Elvia can travel back to her native country and experience the beauty that is Guatemala. I fell in love with the culture there the minute I stepped off the plane. Sure, it's crazy busy, dirty and extremely poor, but the kindness behind the eyes spoke to my soul. The women in Guatemala share a deep connection to a culture rich in beauty and respect for mothering. I admire their strength so much.

In making this simple wall hanging for Elvia, I thought of those women who weave daily. The time it takes. The patience. The skill. I thought of Elvia's connection to those women and how I hope that, one day, she will grow to love and appreciate her native culture.

My next project is well underway...photos will come soon. I will say that it has everything to do with where I came from and how I come to be where I am...

I'll leave it at that for now.
Happy Tuesday to you. I challenge you to appreciate and love something about YOU and your culture today. What is it about your family history that excites and invigorates you? The smell of your mom's favorite cookies baking? The aroma of the woodstove in the cool mornings? Let me know what it is...

anniversaries...

Two years ago...wow. Two years ago I was enjoying a weekend getaway with my dear friend, Denise  and got the call that Caitlin had been in an accident. I remember thinking "oh, it's just another one of Caitlin's shananigans...she'll be fine..." and then finding out the specifics of the accident.

It's Caitlin's 20th birthday today. She called and is not really doing much for her birthday. "It always snows on my birthday," she said. I said, "I'm just glad you're home and safe this year rather than where you were two years ago."

It is amazing how far we've all come. I remember that time of my life as complete chaos...in my car, planning my next trip to Boston, trying to take care of everyone...everyone except myself. I remember Caitlin hanging on...within inches of her life for months...not knowing what life had in store for her...

And to look at us all now...so much has changed. So many good things have come, some not so good...but, the most important thing for me is that Caitlin is alive and is doing better than she may have every done if not for her horrific accident.

Me? I'm able to set much better boundaries for myself and my family. I am much more able to choose things for myself that are good for me and my family rather than what is good for others. It's very interesting how easy it is to care for others and not for yourself.

With Christmas approaching, I think back...think back two years ago when Christmas was just another day. Christmas will be just another day this year, but another wonderful day. Another day to celebrate life and all it has to offer, all that is has given. A day to be with people I care about and love deeply. Another day to be thankful that I'm alive.

Ode to KatieBell

brown nose
shiney and wet
kisses cover my face
with the scent of
musty old girl

your undying love
for your humans
your gentle spirit
giving them permission
to say
goodbye.

May your spirit soar
to the doggy heaven above.
May you run
play ball
and
eat steak
every moment
of every day.

May you look down upon
your humans
and send them
love
and
comfort
each day
for the rest
of their lives.



we will miss our dear neighbor Katie Bell.

passing judgements...

We all do it. More than we realize:
-did you see the guy with the cut off sweatshirt walking down Maine Street? What a dork!
-that kid must come from a bad family...did you see his clothes?
-that woman thinks she's "all that" with her skinny jeans and high heels
-that guy is a loser! he's homeless!
-your girls' birthmother's must be terrible people to lose custody of their children!

and it goes on and on, right?

The other day I was talking to a neighbor, asking him how his brother was doing. "Not good," he replied, "he's almost died three times in the past 3 months." His brother is a drug addict and alcoholic. He is also the father of a teenage daughter. He has custody. Her mother is worse off. We went on to talk about the circumstances surrounding the "near deaths." They were, not surprisingly, drug and alcohol related.

I then asked about his neice...how is she? Where is she? He didn't know. He did know that she was living with her boyfriend during the summer. He then went on to comment on what type of parents they must be to allow her to live with them....

I agreed for a moment.

And then the next moment hoped and prayed that we were wrong...that those parents were doing his neice a huge favor by giving her a safe place to live...away from the constant chaos and uncertainty that she faced in her home. I hope and pray that she is still there and far away from her father...

A few years ago my husband and I invited a young woman into our home because our home was the safest place for her. Her biological parents are emotionally abusive and no relatives could "put up" with her behavior.

She lived with us for about a year. We wanted to provide her a safe, loving home to live in while finishing her senior year of high school. At the time, we had just welcomed two of our daughters into our homes full time through adoption. Our home turned upside down very quickly.

The most troubling factor in this young woman living with us was her boyfriend. He was a drug user/seller and did not treat her well. I tried to coach her through some tough conversations and situations but, ultimately, she was in love with him and did what she could to stay with him.

She moved out. It wasn't a positive split. Donny and I vowed to love her no matter what...but we didn't see or talk to her for a long time.

She moved back home with her toxic mother, she moved into the boyfriend's parent's house...she finally found an apartment of her own...I learned this all through the grapevine...never talking to her directly.

It was the night of her birthday, a year later...we went to dinner and she was our waitress. We all fell in love all over again. I felt terrible that I forgot her birthday...I think she felt terrible that she hadn't talked to us in so long...

The ex-boyfriend was in jail, we were a bit happy...at least he wouldn't be influencing her any longer...she had a new boyfriend...everything was grand...

So we started our relationship all over again. We became extrememely close...closer than ever before, me calling her my "fraughter" (friend/daughter) and her confiding and entrusting me to her life stories. Our children were so happy to have her back in their lives. WE were so happy to have her back in our lives.

and then the ex-boyfriend got out of jail.

and then she saw him and told us about it....

and then I cried.

I cried, and cried and cried...by this time we had helped her get a good job. She still had her own apartment and was working hard to make her life her own...and now I knew that he would ruin it.

But then I thought about who she is to us. Who she is -period-. She is a strong young woman who has taken care of herself since she could walk. If she chose to be with this man, then it was my duty to HER and to my family to not pass judgment based on his past. It was MY job to accept him because I trust and love her.

Her birthday was coming up again...we invited the two of them to dinner. I was a nervous wreck. What if I still hated him? Why did I hate him? Because of what he did to her. My hate was not hate, it was...you guessed it...FEAR. I was afraid he would hurt her again.

What is my point??? I'm getting to it, I promise!

It is not my place to judge any other human being. I can have an opinion. But judge? That's not my job. This young man has gone through hell and back and he's working very hard to be the best person he can be. It is my job to support and love him. - period-.

Isn't that how we all function in life? With our family and friend supporting and encouraging us?

What if you had people judging you each day as a failure? A loser? A detriment to society? If you did, what incentive would that be to be a better person?

I believe that we all have the capacity to be good people. If we have the supports and encouragement around us, we can do anything.

I can't promise my fraugher that she won't get her heart broken again, and he can't promise that either. I can promise her, however, that will love her forever and ever...no matter what.

Who are you placing judgement on? What is your judgement based on? Fear?

Think about it...

Love and Fear...up close and personal?

Custom artwork...words in hearts say "peace, hope, love"

A few weeks ago, Hannah and I were selling our art at the Cumberland Craft Fair here in Maine. We always meet interesting, thought provoking people and view it as part of our "profit."

Two women came to our booth and were so excited about our work. They radiated positivity and love. It was so uplifting! They were sisters, here on vacation. One of the sisters really liked  a piece I had painted but wanted different words...so the other sister asked if I could paint one for her...of her sister, with the specific words "peace," "hope," and "love."

Initially I was afraid...afraid of failure...they wouldn't like it. It wouldn't be that good. The same negative messages kept reeling through my head...but then...
love prevailed
fear got dropped to the side
I painted the piece

I drove it down to them at their motel in Old Orchard Beach during an intense summer rainstorm late last week, just in time before they left for their homes. They were thrilled with the piece and also very thankful that I had driven it down in the rain.

I was not only thankful for the work, but thankful to have met these wonderful, caring souls.
love prevailed
fear got dropped to the side
I drove home with a smile on my face

Last week my family and I were stopping to enjoy the last bit of summer at Cote's, a local ice cream shop in Brunswick. We had brought along our dog, Gracy, who is an almost 13 year-old black lab. My 10 year-old daughter was holding Gracy on her leash. Gracy spotted something exciting up the street and turned to start barking. Immediately my daughter was accosted by an older woman who yelled, "Get that dog away from me! That dog almost made me fall!" I was so taken aback, as was my daughter and the rest of my family.

I took a breath...
love prevailed
fear got dropped to the side
I spoke to the woman:

"I'm very sorry ma'am. My daughter..."
"I don't CARE about your daughter. I CANNOT fall! I will break my hip! You get that DOG away from me!"
wow.
"Ma'am, I'm very sorry. Yes, you are afraid. The last thing we want is for you to fall. I will see to it that my dog does not come near you."

I could have yelled back.
But...
love prevailed
fear got dropped to the side

Why didn't I yell? Because the woman was reacting from fear. To yell would have been reacting to my OWN fear...and that would have solved nothing. I was able to set an example for my husband and children, to the woman and her friends, to the workers at Cote's...that you do NOT have to yell back. You can approach every situation with love...if you choose.

Have you had a situation where you were faced with fear and chose love instead? It may sound hokey...may sound "touchy feely"...and it is to a certain degree. But I encourage you to try it. Let me know how it goes...

Crazy Little Thing Called...life

Life gets crazy, doesn't it? No matter how hard we try to stop it, life seems to take hold and have it's way with us. I'd like to say that I don't enjoy it, but it does keep me going...gives me a charge. I get so much more accomplished with I have a lot to do...

Which is the place I seem to find myself these days. Hannah and I just finished up our first, might I add VERY successful, week of Girl Time Art Camp. I am also preparing for a fair this weekend. This week I found myself juggling working all day, spending time with my children, making dinner AND making art. Oh, and did I mention that I have a husband that I try to spend time with? It has been a crazy week, but I've enjoyed each and every moment of it.

So crazy is good.